


It can't be unlearned

by Port_in_a_Storm



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: AU - Twenty years later, Angst, Heartache, Infidelity, M/M, Marriage, Mutual Pining, Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-13
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2018-08-22 05:32:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 25,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8274607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Port_in_a_Storm/pseuds/Port_in_a_Storm
Summary: Robert and Aaron broke up in 2016. Twenty years and a marriage later, Aaron can't resist the siren call of his ex-lover. There are some things that can't be forgotten or unlearned. ON HIATUS





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Robron101](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Robron101/gifts).



> Hi guys. This fic was prompted by the magnificent Geena on tumblr (well-known as Robron101 on AO3!) Thank you so much for giving me this brilliant prompt, love, and I'm so sorry it took so long to get it started. (Updates, I'm hoping, will be fairly frequent!)
> 
>  
> 
> _Paragraphs in italics indicate a twenty years earlier flashback_

Bubbles in golden liquid chased each other around the glass as Aaron pulled a pint. He handed it to David and took the money with a smile. The door to the Woolpack opened and he immediately sidled out from behind the bar upon seeing who it was.

‘Hey, how’s my favourite girl?’ he said, smiling winningly at the young teenager.

She huffed but smiled nonetheless. ‘A bit too old for you to be calling me that,’ she said. ‘Are Mum and Dad in?’

‘They’ll be here later. C’mon, pull up a stool, tell me about uni.’ He pulled a glass out from the counter. ‘You’re old enough to drink, right?’

‘Oi!’ Adam’s voice carried easily through the pub. ‘Are you bein’ a bad influence on Hol again?’

Vic kissed her daughter on her cheek and smiled as their youngest, Andrew, immediately attached himself to Holly’s waist, hugging her fiercely. ‘I don’t think she needs any help from Aaron on that front,’ she said. ‘Knowing the family that she takes after.’

‘She just got here,’ Aaron said, raising his hands placatingly. ‘I was just… checking how she was.’

‘Yeah, sure you were, mate,’ Adam laughed. He looked around. ‘You here on your own again?’

‘Looks like it,’ Aaron sighed. ‘Gareth’s gonna be here in a bit. Grab a table; I’ll bring the drinks over.

He watched them go, listening to their family banter and he smiled. He never wanted to tell Adam how much he missed working with him, but there were times when he felt overwhelmed by it. This was one of those times: lonely and observing a room full of people having fun, talking and laughing. He checked the clock on the wall. His husband should be here soon, though. And so should his Mum, then he’d set her to work whilst he caught up with Adam, Vic and their family.

‘Uncle Robert’s going to be here?’ Andrew suddenly shouted. 

He saw Adam look at him, and Aaron quickly averted his gaze. ‘Yeah, in Leeds,’ Vic was saying. ‘I told him we’d come and see him. He’s only here for the weekend.’

Aaron looked up. He felt a rush of feelings sweep through him at just the mention of his name. Robert.

_Twenty years earlier…_

_It always happened that when Aaron started to settle down, and think that things were going well something inevitably went wrong. Nothing ever stayed okay for him. It was like he was cursed._

_When he was hanging up one of Robert’s suit jackets, a piece of paper in the pocket caught his eye. Frowning he pulled it out and unfolded it. “Alison” it read. And a phone number. Aaron felt his heart sink. Robert… no… they’d been together for months, and had he wanted to sleep around he’d have done it when Aaron wasn’t speaking to him after he was shot. No, this had to be perfectly innocent… it had to be._

_The front door slammed downstairs. Aaron had half a minute to decide whether to put the note back in the pocket and hope Robert brought it up himself, or confront it. Who knows how long that note had been sitting there? Was Robert just waiting for Aaron to find it? Was he going to just spring it on him?_

_‘Hey, Baby.’_

_Too late to do anything, Aaron stood frozen with jacket in one hand and note in the other. He didn’t know if he looked heartbroken or angry, but Robert clearly saw neither in his eyes._

_‘What’s that?’ he asked, pointing to the paper in Aaron’s hand._

_‘This?’ Aaron said. ‘It’s a… a phone number.’ He tried to sound casual, but his voice shook a little. ‘I found it in your jacket.’_

_‘Phone num—oh, you mean Alison?’ Robert said. Aaron felt his shoulders relax a little. If he were having an affair with the woman he’d not be this casual about it. Robert was a good actor and liar, but not to Aaron. Never to Aaron._

_‘Who is she?’_

_‘She’s one of the contacts I’m getting to sign a contract. We promised that we’d go out for drinks with her and her wife sometime, you remember?’_

_Aaron relaxed fully. ‘Oh, yeah. Course.’ And now that he said it Aaron did remember a tall, rather striking brunette that he, Robert and Adam had met on one of their meetings for the scrap yard._

_And Robert must have heard the relief in his voice—even though Aaron tried not to give it away—because he took the jacket and paper from his hands and drew Aaron close to him. ‘Aaron, you know that I’d never do anything to hurt you.’_

_Aaron nodded. ‘Yeah.’_

_‘I love you, Aaron. We’ve gone through so much to get where we are. Please believe that I wouldn’t jeopardise that.’_

‘Mate, I’m sorry,’ Adam said. He leant over the bar and spoke in a low voice. ‘I didn’t think Andrew would just blurt it out like that.’

Aaron shook his head. ‘Adam, it’s been twenty years. I’ve moved on. I’m happy.’ As he said it, his husband walked into the pub. Aaron smiled as he always did to see Gareth. The sight of him filled him with warmth. ‘Hey,’ he greeted. He waited for Gareth to walk around the bar before planting a kiss on his lips. His smile flickered. Just for a second, he’d imagined full, pink lips. ‘Good day?’

‘Oh, you know,’ Gareth said. Aaron did know. They shared their work day stories almost every night, but they never seemed to change: teenagers being a pain at school, punters being a pain at the pub. ‘Pint, love?’

_Baby_

His smile faltered again, but he retrieved it before Gareth could notice. ‘Sure,’ he said, taking a glass from the shelf.

****

Gareth had been too tired to make love, no matter how much Aaron tried to initiate it. He needed to forget for a while, he needed to get Robert’s face out of his mind. It wasn’t as if he thought of him every hour of the day, though Liv sometimes teased him that he did. He hadn’t thought of Robert like that for months, not since Liv told him she was going to Barcelona with her girlfriend. That brought some memories back, but not for long. They were soon out of his mind again when Gareth arrived home. 

But now, lying in bed with his husband snoring beside him, Aaron couldn’t stop thinking about the man who had captured his heart so many years ago. If he was being dreadfully honest with himself, Robert still had a hold of Aaron’s heart. He wondered what he was doing now, if he was seeing anyone, and if he was, was it a man or woman. He hated the thought of Robert with anyone else. He wondered if Victoria or Liv had told Robert about him and Gareth. Liv had wanted him to invite Robert to the wedding, but Aaron was completely against it. He knew how he’d felt when he’d been invited to Robert and Chrissie’s wedding: he wasn’t about to inflict the same kind of pain on him.

Resigning himself to not being able to sleep, Aaron got out of bed. The pub creaked around him, floorboards whining as he stepped on them. He remembered Robert sneaking out of the house when they were sleeping with each other during the affair; he remembered telling him to watch out for the boards outside his room and remembered trying not to laugh at the sight of his lover prancing around the landing trying to avoid the creaking floorboards. Then, when they were officially together, the only time that Robert had to be careful when sneaking around was going downstairs to fetch a glass of water in the dead of night, or coming home after a meeting and a long drive, tiptoeing into Aaron’s room and enveloping his boyfriend after not having seen him for what felt like days.

He sighed. He went downstairs and switched on the living room light. Running the cold water tap so that the pipes didn’t rattle, he filled the kettle. Whilst it boiled, he looked around. Aaron caught his reflection in the window. He was older now, hair greying at the temples and peppered throughout, crow’s feet crackled around his eyes, and tiny wrinkles framed his thinner lips. He had kept his beard, even though Gareth kept leaving magazines featuring smooth-shaven men around the house. Aaron preferred his beard, even though it, too, was starting to grey. 

He looked down at his ring, the gold band usually felt comfortable around his finger. Now it felt heavy, as if it was cutting off circulation. It was all in his mind, of course. He was happy with Gareth. After Robert, he had spent a good long while in a state of almost depression, until Adam had dragged him out one night to Bar West. He had met a few guys, shared a few hungry kisses, and a clumsy handjob in the toilets. But it wasn’t until months later that he started to really heal: he started to suggest nights out, he stared to seriously consider dating again. He had met Gareth ten years ago, and married three years after they met. His Mum approved, and so did Paddy. Robert had been put out of his mind for a while, and he was genuinely happy. 

‘Hey.’ 

Aaron jumped at Gareth’s voice behind him. ‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘Did I wake you?’

‘Only ‘cause the bed was cold,’ Gareth teased. He wound his arms around Aaron’s waist and they shared a smile. He loved Gareth, of course he did. He wouldn’t have married him, if he didn’t. But sometimes…

‘Tea?’ Aaron asked, swiftly cutting off that train of thought. A dangerous road, that one.

‘What, at 3am?’ his husband asked. Then he shrugged. ‘Go on then, seeing as we’re both up.’ He let Aaron go, and he moved back to the window to collect their mugs from the draining board. Aaron looked up again and caught his reflection, and the reflection of his husband. He felt a sudden pang of loss. 

‘I’m going into Leeds tomorrow,’ Aaron said.

****

His car seemed to take on the voices of the past. _Not a good idea_ echoed in the sound of the ignition. _Why are you doing this_ became the voice of the car reversing from the back of the pub. _Gareth_ said the engine when it was on the road to Leeds. 

Aaron shook his head. He just wanted to see Robert: he had to. He owed it to… he didn’t know who he owed it to. Himself? Robert? The universe?

He had left early that morning, following Adam and his family in to the city. He hadn’t told Adam about it, knowing that his friend would try to deter him. _Because he’d say you’re being stupid_ , the voice in his head said. Unsurprisingly, the voice belonged to his Mum. But he had to see him. Maybe when he saw Robert happy and in love with someone else, he could leave the past where it was meant to be and forget about him completely.

_‘Hey, Baby.’_

_Aaron recognised the apology in his voice right away. ‘Robert, please don’t cancel on me.’_

_A gush of a sigh over the phone. ‘I’m so sorry, Aaron. We’re trying to sort out a new contract, and things are overrunning.’_

_‘This is the first night we’ve had together in ages,’ Aaron said. He was aware that he sounded whiny and clingy, but… ‘I even got Liv to go to Gabby’s for the night.’_

_‘I know you did, Baby.’ A pause. ‘I’ll make it up to you, okay? I promise.’ He sounded tired as well, and Aaron found a little bit of sympathy for his boyfriend. ‘Tomorrow. Just you and me. I’ll take you out somewhere nice, we’ll book a hotel, and we’ll spend the whole night together.’_

_It was as good as he was going to get. ‘Fine. See you later.’_

_‘I love you, Aaron.’_

_Aaron swallowed. How many times had Robert made this phone call to Chrissie? How many times had he cancelled their dates because Robert was meeting him? ‘I know.’_

He followed Adam’s car to a small café. He parked far enough away that they wouldn’t be able to recognise it. 

What was he doing? The ridiculousness of the situation came to him when he was sitting in his car, wiping sweat from the palms of his hands. He was getting nervous over meeting a man he hadn’t seen in twenty years. He didn’t even know _why_ he was here. 

He was about to start the car again, to head off back to Emmerdale and back to Gareth, put Robert out of his mind once and for all. Then he saw him.

Aaron’s breath caught in his throat. His heart raced, his eyes widened. Every single emotion and feeling that he used to get whenever he laid eyes on Robert came rushing back, and he fell in love with him all over again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the wait! Other prompts, and work and stuff got the better of me! 
> 
> As last time, italics indicate the past.

Robert looked stunning. He always did and seeing him now, Aaron knew that he always would. He was wearing a black blazer and black jeans teetering between smart and casual and looking gorgeous whilst doing so. 

Aaron had to intercept him; had to catch his attention before he went into the café to meet Vic and Adam. As if out of his control, his fist banged on the horn in the steering wheel. Robert looked around, and Aaron got out of the car.

_‘I don’t negotiate with idiots.’_

_‘That’s alright then, negotiate with me.’_

_Their entire relationship felt like a negotiation sometimes. First negotiating time between Robert’s life with Chrissie in which they could meet each other; then negotiating their way around a friendship in which they both were still in love but Robert was trying to help Aaron through the most difficult time of his life; then negotiating their way through a proper relationship full of pit falls and not having enough time together and being together as a proper couple in front of the whole world. It got to the point that Aaron had had enough negotiating._

Robert was frowning. The skin around his eyes was wrinkled. His blond hair was streaked with grey, his lips (still pink) were thinner, there was a tiredness to his face that Aaron hadn’t seen before. Aaron had always fallen for him, had never stopped. His relationship with Robert was like being in constant, invigorating, amazing, thrilling freefall.

‘Aaron?’

He felt his breath stutter when Robert said his name. ‘Hey,’ he said weakly. Lamely.

Robert shook his head. ‘I don’t understand. I thought I was just meeting Vic and the family.’

‘Yeah, you are. They’re in there.’ Aaron had watched from his car as his friends went into the café. He couldn’t see them from the window. ‘I just—’ he scratched his forehead. ‘This is stupid, isn’t it. I shouldn’t have—’ _Shouldn’t have come, shouldn’t be still hung up on you, should be at home with my husband. Shouldn’t still be in love with you._ He was about to make his excuses and go, when Robert’s phone rang. Aaron’s mind immediately thought it was his new partner, and his heart nearly gave way. No, he needed to speak to him, even if it was just to have Robert laugh in his face about the wonderful new life he had without Aaron. ‘Who’s that?’ he asked when he saw Robert looking at his phone.

Robert looked at him impatiently. ‘Victoria. Probably wondering why I’m late.’ He reached for the door handle, and Aaron stepped in his way. Robert exhaled sharply.

‘Robert… can we talk? Somewhere? After you’re done here? I heard Vic say you’re only here for the weekend.’

His ex hesitated, but when his phone rang again, he nodded. ‘Fine. The park, when I’m done.’

Aaron looked over his shoulder to see where Robert meant. When he turned back, Robert was gone, and the door was closing. He took in a shuddering breath. What was he doing? But his feet took him unsteadily to the park that Robert had indicated, and he sat on a bench, holding himself as if in position of prayer. And he waited.

_Waiting was something that Aaron did nowadays. Chas would smile kindly at him and try to reassure him (ever since he and Robert had got engaged, his mother seemed to be very much On Robert’s Side) but it didn’t work._

_‘This feels so familiar, you know,’ he said to Vic. She looked at him askance and he nodded at his phone. ‘Waiting for him to call. Waiting to steal a moment of his time. Didn’t think I’d have to do that now that we’re together.’ He laughed mirthlessly. ‘Now that we’re fucking_ engaged.’ __

_Victoria flinched at the harshness of his tone. ‘Don’t be so hard on him,’ she said. ‘He works really hard, and now that Jimmy and Nicola are away on that second honeymoon, it’s just him goin’ to meetings and signin’ contracts and that.’_

_Aaron knew that. Deep down, he knew that Robert wasn’t cheating on him. The man would have given his last breath to save Aaron, he would have died with him. But Aaron’s insecurities weren’t going away any time soon and a part of him wished that Robert would understand that and accommodate it more; the way that Aaron had to with Robert’s issues about coming out._

_‘I’m tired of waitin’, Vic,’ he said. ‘Tired of being second best again.’ He knew that she knew he wasn’t talking about work: everything with Andy, and then Rebecca had put Aaron on edge and he couldn’t stand what it was doing to their relationship. What it was doing to_ him _. But he knew that as soon as Robert walked through the door, looking tired beyond belief and smelling of old paper and with an ink stain on the cuff of his shirt sleeve, Aaron would know that he hadn’t been in bed with someone else, and he’d be fine. They’d be fine. Until the next time. Aaron was getting fucking_ exhausted.

****

A shadow fell over Aaron and he looked up to see Robert standing over him. 

‘Hey,’ he whispered.

Robert looked away. ‘What are you doin’ here, Aaron?’

Instead of answering, he shuffled over on the bench and watched as Robert contemplated the space, then walked around to sit next to him. Robert leaned over so his arms were resting on his knees. He hadn’t looked at Aaron. That hurt more than he cared to admit. Aaron looked at the lake, at the kids throwing food for the ducks, and then his eyes found Robert again. ‘Andrew talks about you all the time,’ he said softly. There was a flicker of movement on Robert’s face. ‘I hear him asking Adam what it is that you do, and he’s… he’s always so impressed that you’ve got businesses all over Europe, and a house in Spain, and one in Brazil—’

‘What are you _doing_ here, Aaron?’

Aaron floundered at the interruption. ‘I—I don’t know.’

Robert shook his head and got up. So Aaron blurted out the first thing that came to mind. ‘I miss you!’

_He felt the bed move, and the breeze against his back when Robert lifted the duvet and got into bed. He felt his fiancé press open mouthed kisses against his shoulder and Aaron turned in his arms. They looked at each other. Robert was the first to smile. He mouthed ‘missed you’. Aaron smiled and kissed his lips softly. Why couldn’t it always be like this?_

The older man was frozen in place. ‘What did you say?’

Aaron swallowed; licked his lips. ‘I miss you. I’m here because… I needed to see you. To see what I felt for you.’

‘No. No, you can’t play these games, Aaron.’

‘I’m not playing games!’

‘You’re married!’

Aaron looked down at where he was twisting the gold band on his finger. He jolted away, as if it burned him. ‘I’m not messin’ you around, Robert,’ he said. Said man looked up sharply at Aaron’s words. They both heard the words again in Robert’s voice, in a lay by, a world and a marriage between them. Nothing much had changed. ‘Please, Robert, sit down. Please.’

Robert hesitated again, but seemed almost powerless to resist Aaron. He sat again. ‘How can you say you’re not messin’ me around? Look at where we are.’ He didn’t mean Leeds, or the park, and Aaron knew it. _Look at where our lives are._

‘I was waitin’ for you, in my car,’ Aaron said. ‘I just wanted to see you again. I wouldn’t ask for anything else you know I wouldn’t; I’m not like that!’

His ex nodded, almost against his will. Then his eyes clouded over. ‘You’re wearing someone else’s ring,’ he said. ‘You wore mine for, what, three months. The engagement ring, d’you remember?’

‘Of course I remember.’

‘Did you propose to him with it?’ 

‘Of course I didn’t!’

Robert seemed to deflate. As if he knew the answer couldn’t possibly be yes, but he was relieved all the same. ‘Time’s changed, hasn’t it?’

‘Has it?’

‘Look at you: all happily married. Any kids?’

‘No. No, we didn’t want any.’ He asked the question he had been dreading the most. ‘How about you? Seeing anyone?’

Robert shook his head. ‘No.’ Aaron’s surprise must have shown on his face. ‘How could I? You know everything about me, Aaron. How could I start over?’ His eyes found the ring again. ‘But you clearly could.’

‘I was lonely! I needed someone!’

‘I was always there for you!’

Their raised voices caught the attention of families in the park. Aaron felt heat rise to his cheeks. ‘Not here,’ he said.

‘No, not ever Aaron. You can’t do this to me.’ He got to his feet again, and so did Aaron.

‘Robert. Please. At least… at least give me your number.’

He laughed incredulously. ‘You’ve got a husband! Why would you do that to him?’

‘I just want to be able to talk to you, Robert. I told you, I miss you. And I know you feel the same.’

Robert’s jaw dropped. ‘This isn’t fair on me. Or him.’ He rolled his eyes. ‘I mean not that I care about him, but it’s not fair on him.’

That made Aaron smile. Robert could always do that, no matter the situation he could always make Aaron smile. ‘Please, Robert. I just… I’d like us to talk. To be mates again.’

‘You know we were more than that. We always were.’

‘Well… I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again. We both will.’

Robert bit his lip. He closed his eyes and looked away. When he looked back, there were tears in them. ‘Give me your phone then.’

Aaron passed it over. It was the most selfish thing he had ever done.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so so much for the kudos and encouraging comments on chapter two! I am so sorry for the wait on this update. Hope you all enjoy the latest chapter :)

There was a solid stone where his stomach should have been. Aaron felt sick, all the way back to Emmerdale. It had crossed his mind more than once to delete Robert’s number. Delete it and leave him alone – like Robert probably wanted him to – and go back to his husband. Gareth. God, what was Aaron thinking? He loved his husband: he had been Aaron’s reason to smile for so many years now. And Aaron had always prided himself on being trustworthy: only once had he not been so in his life, and that was during his affair with Robert. He had known what he was getting into; had known how much it would hurt Chrissie. But Robert had been worth it. Those few months that they spent sneaking around had simultaneously been some of the most exciting and most terrible of his adult life. If Gareth found out… 

… But found out what? He and Robert weren’t doing anything wrong. Aaron still felt something for him, but he could control that; he had to. Robert was a mate. Nothing more; that was all he could be. 

When he got home to the pub, Gareth was out with a few of his own friends. That was something else Aaron also liked about their relationship: Gareth had mates, ones that didn’t know Aaron. People who wouldn’t look at Aaron like they knew everything about him, people who could even take Gareth away for a while when Aaron was having a bad time and needed some space, or when Gareth needed some space away from Aaron. Now, Aaron felt able to breathe. He sat in the back room, put his feet on the coffee table and took his phone out of his pocket.

 _A: I’m home_ he texted his husband. _Having fun?_

The answer, when it came, made Aaron smile and feel awful all at once. _G: I never have fun without you. You know that!_

He rubbed his eyes and felt the tears gathering in them. He could text Robert, tell him it was a mistake, that he was sorry, and that he’d delete his number from his phone. He even started to text the message, but the thought of sending it, of deleting Robert’s number, of _knowing_ that this would be the only chance of any contact that Robert would allow… that hurt too spectacularly. He deleted the message.

**** 

_Aaron walked into the pub and immediately found Robert, sitting with Liv and sharing a bowl of chips. He sat and stole one, grinning at Liv’s protests. Robert kissed Aaron’s cheek and smiled. ‘Good day?’ his boyfriend asked._

_Aaron shrugged. ‘It was alright. Managed to schedule a meeting with that client from Hull.’_

_‘Great.’ Robert looked genuinely pleased and proud, and Aaron felt his face flush in happy embarrassment. Robert nodded at Liv. ‘We were just talking about the three of us maybe going away somewhere,’ he said. ‘Not abroad or anything, but just somewhere.’_

_‘Mum always said she’d take me to the Lake District but she never did,’ Liv said._

_‘Sounds great,’ Aaron said. When things were good, they were really good._

****

‘Love? You coming through? Your shift’s started.’

Chas was stood in the doorway and Aaron frowned. 

‘What?’ he mumbled. ‘It’s still early.’

‘It’s gone three, love.’

Aaron frowned and sat up. He checked his phone. 3.21pm. Where the hell had that time gone?

‘Are you all right, love?’ his Mum asked. She walked into the room and sat next to him on the sofa. ‘I mean, I know you’re not all right: you haven’t fallen asleep on the sofa for years.’ She smiled at him and he rolled his eyes.

‘I’m 44, Mum,’ he said tiredly.

‘And I’m still your Mum,’ she countered with a grin. ‘No matter how old you are, you’re still my son.’

He smiled. ‘I’m fine. Honest. Just didn’t sleep well, that’s all.’

She nodded. ‘Which translates to: something’s up but you don’t want to tell me yet.’ She nudged him gently with her shoulder. ‘You forget I’ve known you all your life.’ When Aaron didn’t say anything, she kissed his temple and got up. ‘When you’re ready to talk, come and find me, love.’

He heard her footsteps moving away from the sofa, and it erupted out of him. ‘I went to see Robert today.’ He heard her sharp inhale; he turned around slowly and saw her severe gaze. He flinched.

**** 

_Chas smiled so much more at Robert and Aaron nowadays. Even when they were sniping at each other, she just rolled her eyes good-naturedly._

_‘Since when have you liked Robert this much?’ he asked her one night when Robert was out at Vic’s._

_She shrugged. ‘He’s come a long way,’ she said. ‘He’s changed. He’s good for you, love.’_

_Aaron smiled weakly. He didn’t tell her about the doubts he’d been having, about the hours Robert had been working, about the way that Aaron felt whenever Robert called to cancel yet another date. But she saw the way his smile was brittle, like the slightest thing would shatter it completely._

_‘What’s with the face?’ she asked._

_‘What face?’_

_She waved her finger over his face. ‘That,’ she said. ‘That grumpy look. What’s that for?’_

_‘Nothing,’ he said. ‘Just tired, that’s all. Didn’t sleep well.’ The lie fell easily from his lips: he was so used to telling Adam the same thing when he zoned out at work, or telling Liv when she caught him up and about early downstairs. The lie, though, didn’t work on two people: Robert, and his Mum._

****

‘What do you mean “you went to see Robert”?’ Chas said. She walked slowly to the sofa and sat next to him again. 

He tried to avoid her eyes and shrugged. ‘He was in Leeds,’ he said. ‘I went to see him.’

‘Why?’ she demanded. 

Again, he shrugged. ‘I don’t know,’ he mumbled.

‘Well _think_!’ She shook her head. ‘Why would you go and see him? Eh? I thought you were happy with Gareth?’

‘I am!’

‘So why go and see Robert? After everything you put him through?’

He flinched. ‘I just… I wanted to see him. I wanted to know how… I don’t know… how I felt about him.’

‘And?’ He shrugged, but of course she read him like a book. ‘Aaron, you need to stop this. Stop it before it can grow into anything.’

‘I can’t.’

‘You have to! You can’t do this to him, or to Gareth. Or to yourself! You sent yourself mad when you and him were seeing each other behind Chrissie’s back!’

Aaron’s head whipped up to look at her. ‘We’re not havin’ an affair!’ he said. ‘We’re just mates!’

She scoffed. ‘Mates? What with the man who’s the love of your life?’

‘He’s not the love of my life!’

‘Of course he is!’ Chas shouted. ‘You know it as well as I do!’

‘I _love_ Gareth!’

Her eyes softened along with her voice. ‘I’m not sayin’ you don’t, love. Of course you love Gareth. So you need to let Robert go.’

The thought alone was making his heart beat faster in fear. The thought of letting go of Robert yet again could not be borne. ‘We’re just mates,’ he said weakly. ‘I would never hurt Gareth.’

‘And Robert?’ she asked. ‘Have you thought about if it would hurt him?’

‘I’m not giving him false hope!’ Aaron yelled. Yet he knew it wasn’t true: he had told Robert that he felt something, and if Robert could still read him like he always could then he’d see it easily in Aaron’s eyes as well. ‘I’m not giving him anything!’

‘But you want to be more, don’t you?’ Chas said. When Aaron avoided her eyes, she sighed. ‘Love, nothing good can come of this. I’m _begging_ you, Aaron. Let him go.’

But he couldn’t. And Chas knew he couldn’t. That was why she left him on the sofa, phone in hand, so that she didn’t have to see him not delete his number. So that she didn’t have to see him text Robert. So that she didn’t have to see the tears fall from his eyes. 

**** 

_3.41pm: A: Robert? It’s me_

_3.59pm: R: Didn’t think you’d actually text me_

_4.00pm: A: Why wouldn’t I?_

_4.07pm: R: Thought you’d come to your senses. Thought I’d never hear from you again_

_4.10pm: A: Is that what you want?_

_4.16pm: R: Now you’re asking me are you?_

_4.17pm: A: I know that I kind of pushed you in the park. If you want me to delete your number I will_

_4.17pm: R: I wasn’t talking about today. You’re 20 years too late to be asking me what I want, Aaron_

_4.18pm: A: I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t make up for anything, but I am._

_4.19pm: R: No you’re right it doesn’t. This was a mistake_

_4.20pm: A: Do you want me to delete your number?_

_4.23pm: A: Robert?_

_4.24pm: R: You decide. You’ve decided for the both of us before._

_4.25pm: A: Please don’t do this. Not over the phone. Can we meet up? Talk things through?_

_4.30pm: R: Why?_

_4.31pm: A: Because I owe it to you_

_4.31pm: R: Fuck Aaron! You can’t just say things like that and expect it to be okay! You’re married for Christ’s sake!_

_4.32pm: A: I know I know. I just want to see you. Please Robert._

_4.33pm: R: What the hell do you want from me Aaron?_

_4.34pm: R: Fine. I’m out of the country for a few days though. We can meet in Leeds again. 4th March. 3pm._

_4.35pm: A: Okay. Thank you Robert_

_4.36pm: R: If you’re just a minute late I’m leaving, Aaron. I’m serious_

_4.36pm: A: Okay._


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off: Happy New Year!! I hope everyone has an amazing 2017, and that you get everything you want!  
> Second: I'm sorry about the wait for this chapter. I've had other fics and writing, and other things going on as well. As such, I can't say for sure when the next chapter will be finished and uploaded, but I hope you all understand :)  
> That being said, happy reading!

Aaron woke first a few days later. He hadn’t been able to sleep—again—the night before. His mind was going a mile a minute. He knew exactly why: it was 4th March, and today he’d be meeting Robert in Leeds. His stomach was turning over; he felt ill. He grit his teeth and climbed carefully from the bed, trying not to disturb his still sleeping husband, and went into the bathroom.

He put the lid of the toilet seat up and stood, waiting for the bile to either settle or to come up. When seven minutes had passed, and through lots of heavy breathing, Aaron put the lid down again. He sat on the edge of the bathtub, wondering not for the first time what he was doing. The past few days had been a nightmare in all honesty, with him alternating between being extremely kind towards Gareth, to being annoyed by everything he did.

‘Look, just tell me if I’ve done something wrong,’ his husband had said to him the night before last when Aaron had steadfastly ignored him over dinner, even though he had welcomed him home with a kiss a few hours earlier. ‘I’d rather just know what I’ve done and apologise for it. Is it about what I said about your Mum earlier?’

Aaron smiled, even now, remembering Gareth saying that his Mum—after flirting with a clearly twenty years her junior man—wouldn’t be out of place in cougar town. It wasn’t so much what he had said, but the way that he had said it reminded him of Robert in that moment. After that, his mood had soured considerably.

He felt terrible for lying to his husband. He wondered if this was how Robert had felt during their affair: clearly still in love with Chrissie and wanting to marry her (for reasons which ranged from honest love to the need to please Jack Sugden), yet not being able to stay away from Aaron and falling deeper and deeper in love with him with every meeting.

_‘You’re like a magnet,’ Robert said._

_Aaron looked up from his magazine. He felt dreadfully out of place, lounging around on the Home Farm sofa with last month’s car magazine and a beer in his hands. This was a room suited for ‘Pride and Prejudice’ and port. ‘What?’_

_Robert collapsed next to him; he was right at home in the manor house. ‘A magnet. I can’t keep away from you.’_

_Aaron looked down at his magazine, then back at Robert. ‘I’m just reading.’_

_Robert laughed. ‘Whatever you’re doing, whenever or however you do it… I can’t keep away from you.’_

_‘You know what you need to do don’t you? If you want this to be… you know… what it could be.’_

_Robert’s face dropped and he looked away. ‘This week has been alright, hasn’t it?’_

_Aaron snorted. ‘This week, a few days’ time for an hour, in between meetings, when you’re supposed to be shopping for groceries… we’re always on a timer, Robert.’ But he knew that he couldn’t give Robert up. When the older man continued to look apologetic and frankly a little pitiful, Aaron put his magazine down and leant over him, kissing him soundly. Like it or not, he knew exactly what Robert meant: they couldn’t keep away from each other._

He felt the need to run again. He hadn’t felt that in years: this… this is what Robert Sugden did to him. He could imagine Paddy telling him now, telling Aaron that the first whiff of Robert Sugden on the air and Aaron felt the need to revert back to his old ways of coping, as if the past twenty years hadn’t happened. Except this wasn’t Robert’s fault… this time Aaron was the one instigating things, Aaron was the one who _needed_ and _wanted_. Aaron could let go anytime he wanted. He could let go and come home to his husband, and that would be the end of it.

But it couldn’t be. It would never be the end of it. Because Aaron knew that he’d never delete Robert’s number. He knew that he’d never be over him. He knew he’d never forget the way that his eyes shone blue or green in different lighting, or the way that his lips felt, or the way his fingers felt on his skin, or the way his voice softened when he talked to Aaron. He had known what it was to love Robert and to be loved by him, and it was something that Aaron couldn’t forget or unlearn.

‘Love?’ 

Aaron looked up, startled by his husband’s voice. He rubbed his hands over his face. His eyes felt gritty and tight. ‘Just a second!’

He splashed his face with cold water and shivered a little. He avoided his face in the mirror—afraid of what he’d find there—and opened the door. ‘Alright?’ he said.

Gareth raised an eyebrow. ‘Yeah. Are _you_ alright? You’re never usually up this early.’

‘Yeah. Couldn’t sleep—think I may be coming down with something.’

‘Is that why you were out of sorts yesterday?’

Aaron glared at his husband, but ten years of knowing each other and seven years of marriage meant that they could both get away with saying pretty much anything to the other. Gareth chuckled at Aaron’s glare, and kissed his forehead. ‘It’s still early. Come back to bed.’

He kissed Aaron’s neck, his jaw and his mouth. Aaron knew exactly what he was after, but was reluctant to give into Gareth when Robert was on his mind: it wasn’t fair to his husband. He let Gareth kiss him for a moment, but then pushed him away. ‘Actually, I think I’m gonna have a cuppa. See if it’ll settle my stomach.’

The man frowned, but it was in concern more than disappointment. Aaron waved off his questioning face, and smiled when Gareth told him to feel better.

Aaron sat with a cup of tea in front of the television. He saw in the rising of the sun and his mind didn’t shift once from Robert flamin’ Sugden.

**** 

Aaron sat in his car at a lay-by. He had driven from Emmerdale and he was just a few miles away from Leeds. He had to pull over because he kept seeing Gareth’s face in his mind: his trusting eyes when he told him he was going into Leeds again, his voice when he told Aaron that if he was going shopping then to look out for that green shirt, the one that he had been eyeing up last month. Aaron felt terrible. 

His phone pinged, and he grabbed it before he could even think about it. It was just an email, but his eyes were drawn to the time: 2.45. He had fifteen minutes to get to Leeds. Or he had a few seconds to decide that this was idiotic, and to just turn away now.

He started his car. ‘Who am I kidding?’ he muttered.

It was 2.56 when he got into Leeds and found a parking space near to the park that he and Robert had sat and talked last time. He knew that they hadn’t arranged a place, but he knew Robert, and he knew that he kept returning to the place which meant something to them.

_‘So why the barn?’ Adam asked._

_Aaron looked up from his paperwork. ‘Bit of an open question that, mate.’_

_‘Oh, he makes jokes as well, does he?’ Adam laughed whilst throwing a balled up piece of paper at Aaron’s head. ‘Vic told me about Robert’s original proposal spot. So? Why the barn?’_

_Aaron felt his face heat up and he looked down at his desk again, though he couldn’t keep the slight smile from his face. ‘Because Robert’s a soft git, that’s why,’ he mumbled. He felt Adam’s eyes on him though and sighed, knowing that his friend wouldn’t give up until he had a proper answer. ‘Because it’s the place we’d meet when we… y’know. During the affair.’_

_The biggest grin Aaron had ever seen spread across Adam’s face, and Aaron knew that he should text ahead to Robert, warning him that he should expect the piss to be taken out of him at some point by his brother-in-law. ‘No way! You dirty buggers!’ he crowed. ‘It’s a bit romantic as well, though, isn’t it? That he chose that place?’_

_Aaron saw the twinkling in his eyes and knew that despite his words now, sooner or later he’d take the mick out of them. He nodded anyway. ‘Yeah. Sentimental sod.’_

It was two minutes to three when Aaron got to the park. He looked around, but didn’t see Robert. He was definitely on time though, so his former lover shouldn’t have left already. If he even turned up. Aaron froze. That hadn’t even crossed his mind. What if Robert had deleted Aaron’s number? What if he decided that he couldn’t put himself through the heartache of… whatever they were, and so took matters into his own hands? What if—

‘Didn’t think you’d actually come.’

The voice startled Aaron, and he twisted his body around to see Robert there. He looked exhausted, though not physically, and it hit Aaron just how much this was taking out of Robert as well. But before he could say anything, Robert gestured to an empty bench.

‘I wondered if _you’d_ show,’ Aaron said quietly when they sat. 

Robert didn’t say anything, but he raised his eyebrows. The kind of gesture where, years ago, Aaron would know meant ‘Shows how much you know me’. He didn’t want to hazard that guess now; too much had changed and too much time had passed. He cleared his throat. ‘Did you leave the country on business?’ he asked.

A pause in which Robert seemed genuinely flummoxed for a moment by the line of questioning. ‘Yeah,’ he finally said. ‘Had a few contacts I had to meet.’

Aaron nodded. They listened to the ducks, to the breeze rustling through the leaves, to the seconds passing. There had never been awkward silences between them, even when one or both of them were in a mood, their silences were never awkward. But this one was, and although Aaron tried his best not to let it hurt, it did.

‘Why did you want to meet up again?’ Robert asked.

The bluntly put question shook Aaron. ‘Because… because I wanted to see you.’

‘That’s not a good answer,’ Robert said. ‘Why did you want to see me?’

Aaron knew that the answer was that he couldn’t keep away. It wasn’t for lack of trying, but what Robert had said to him twenty odd years ago was true: they were like magnets. He shrugged, genuinely helpless. ‘I don’t know… I just—I just needed to.’

Robert laughed a bit incredulously. ‘Twenty years on and I still can’t resist… Aaron, is this… I don’t even know what I want to say!’ He shook his head. ‘Does your husband know you’re here?’

Aaron’s reply was silence, which seemed to be confirmation enough for Robert, as he got to his feet as quickly as he could. ‘Robert, wait—’

‘If this is ever so innocent, why didn’t you tell him? Or what, were you hoping that I was the same man that I was before I even met you? That I’d just hop into bed with you because it’s _you_ and because that’s what I _do_?!’

‘That’s _not_ what this is!’ Aaron hissed. ‘I love my husband!’ Robert’s slight flinch didn’t go unnoticed, and without meaning to, Aaron softened his tone. He hated hurting Robert, especially when Aaron was the one in the wrong. ‘I do love him, Robert. I don’t know why I wanted to meet you so badly, but I just did.’ He looked around at the people suddenly interested in them and felt much too exposed. ‘Can we go somewhere a bit more… private?’

Robert seemed to collapse back on the bench, his legs giving way, and a mirthless laugh on his lips; a disbelieving smile to accompany it. ‘Right, so you haven’t told your husband about our little secret meeting, I don’t know how much he even knows about me if anything at all, and you want to go somewhere _private_ , yet this is all supposed to be innocent, yeah?’

‘I just want to talk to you.’

‘Isn’t that what your husband and your huge family is for? And your friends? Surely _one_ of them will talk to you.’

‘But I want to talk to _you_! I want to get to know you again.’

Robert stared at him for a long time. ‘You did know me, Aaron. You knew me so fucking well that you pretty much blew it for anyone else who wanted to know me.’

Aaron winced. ‘I know I hurt you,’ he whispered, all too aware of how their voices were carrying across the park. ‘And when I got myself sorted out, I realised that it was my paranoia, making things out of other things. But at the time, when I was going through it all, it hurt me as well.’

‘So why didn’t you say anything?’ Robert hissed. ‘Why didn’t you talk to me, the way that you always wanted _me_ to talk to _you_?’

‘I thought I could handle it, but it was destroying me as much as it was destroying us.’ He looked around again. ‘Can we not do this _here_?’

‘If you’re so eager to go, I’m not stopping you.’

‘You know what I mean.’

Again, Robert scrutinised him, and Aaron didn’t back down. ‘We can sit in my car, but I’m not taking you anywhere.’

It was good enough.

**** 

_‘Is everything alright?’_

_Aaron looked up from his paperwork. ‘Yeah, ‘course.’_

_Robert bit his lip, a habit he had picked up over the past few months from Aaron. ‘You’ve seemed a bit… off.’_

_‘I’m fine.’ Aaron tried for a smile, but it fell a bit flat. Robert clearly saw this. ‘It’s just—all this paperwork, you know. Givin’ me a headache.’_

_His fiancé sat with him at the dining table, his face a little more relaxed but still slightly on edge. ‘Are you sure that’s all it is?’ When Aaron nodded, he seemed to accept it. ‘I can help you with this if you want? Or I could make you a cuppa?’_

_Aaron smiled. Sometimes, when Robert was like this, he could forget his worries; he could forget his thoughts that Robert was running around behind his back with so many other people. Because in those moments, he was just the man he was going to marry; the man that he loved above all else._

_‘Tea would be nice,’ he said. Robert leaned down and kissed him softly. Then, as he was filling the kettle with water, Robert’s phone pinged. He looked at it, sighed, and stuffed it back into his jeans pocket. ‘Everything alright?’ Aaron asked, trying to keep his voice light._

_‘Yeah. It was Nicola. Apparently she’s had to cancel her meeting tomorrow. Again. Honestly, she’s just making a fool out of this business.’_

_‘So… you’re going in her place?’_

_‘I don’t want to,’ Robert said, and he really did sound like he didn’t want to. ‘But I have to. It’s an important client.’_

_Aaron tried not to think about the fact that last time he said he had a meeting, he was meeting Rebecca to try and break Lachlan out of court. What if this time, there was something else again._

_‘Baby?’_

_‘Hm?’_

_Robert touched him on the shoulder, his face a picture of worry. ‘I said that I’m popping to David’s. We’re out of milk.’_

_Aaron smiled and nodded. Robert caressed his cheek gently before he took some money from the tin that Chas left there solely as milk money (or biscuit money if Liv got her hands on it). ‘Back in a sec.’_

_Looking back to his paperwork, the words swam in front of Aaron’s eyes. He wiped them and tried to will the tears back. It was a good enough explanation. He knew that Nicola was having trouble with the business, and trying to sort things with Jimmy, plus having three kids to take care of wasn’t easy. But that was the thing: the explanation was good, and Aaron knew first hand that when Robert wanted to make a lie stick, he’d make it as good as possible._

Robert had a Jag. Aaron knew enough about cars to be able to tell that it was an XJ40, the model which released in 1986. He smiled a little as he got into it, feeling the comfortable leather under him, and the smell that only classic cars have.

‘It’s a lot more spacious than your Porsche,’ he said.

That brought a smile to Robert’s face, and for a second Aaron’s breath stuttered. ‘I haven’t had the Porsche in _years_ ,’ he said. ‘I traded it in for an Alvis must have been… oh, fifteen years ago now.’

‘An Alvis?’ Aaron wrinkled his nose.

‘Yeah. Not, like, one of the _old_ ones, but the 1967 model.’ He caught Aaron’s face briefly and smirked. ‘It didn’t suit me though.’

‘I could’ve told you that,’ Aaron chuckled.

A shadow passed over Robert’s face, and Aaron knew that it happened to his as well: the shadow of what could have been; the shadow of the lives that they didn’t have together, the lives where Robert would have shown Aaron a picture of an Alvis on his phone, to which Aaron would have given him his _‘Really?’_ face and Robert would have conceded that no, it really wasn’t him.

Aaron cleared his throat. ‘It’s nice though, the Jag. And trust you to get the 1986 model.’

Robert smiled again, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. ‘You know me: pretentious as always.’

Except, Aaron _did_ know Robert, and the pretention was a façade. ‘You told me there wasn’t anyone else,’ Aaron said. ‘Has there been anyone else since we broke up?’

Robert sighed. ‘Back here, are we?’ But Aaron was relentless, and Robert knew that. ‘I had a few relationships, but nothing really stuck. I… I couldn’t be myself around them the way I always could with you. So I lied and I cheated, and eventually I’d be alone again, until the next person came along. But after five years of that, I couldn’t do it anymore. So I threw everything that I had into my business. I had to start again, after I left Emmerdale, but I built myself up. And now… I’m successful, and it’s all off my own back.’

‘And are you happy?’

‘Are you?’

Aaron bit his lip. ‘I asked you first.’

Robert chuckled. ‘I don’t know. I think I’m just plodding along.’ That hurt Aaron more than he wanted it to. Always, he had wanted Robert to be happy. ‘You?’

‘Yeah,’ Aaron said. ‘I mean, I have a husband, I still have Adam and my Mum. Don’t look so surprised, she’s not that much older than me! I took over the pub after Mum kind of semi-retired.’

‘What about the scrapyard?’

‘We sold it on. Adam wanted to dedicate more time to his own family, and I didn’t want to run it without him. Then it was sold on again, and April co-owns it now, with Elliot, Jimmy’s kid. If you can believe that!’

‘April and Elliot?! There’s a match I didn’t expect!’

‘Neither did we! They’re not together, it’s just business, but it works for them.’

They sat in silence for a moment, but this time it was more comfortable. Eventually Robert inhaled deeply. ‘I’m happy you’re happy.’

Aaron’s eyes flitted heavenward. ‘You don’t have to—’

‘No, I mean it. I’ve always… it’s all I wanted for you: to be happy. And it took me a long time to accept that it wasn’t with me, so now I’m glad that you’re there.’

‘I was happy with you, Robert,’ Aaron said softly. ‘I know that it all went to hell afterwards, but I loved you, and I was happy with you.’

‘So why did it end the way it did?’

‘Because I needed to sort myself out. Everything that we went through… my paranoia was just off the charts.’

‘I wasn’t seeing anyone when I was with you,’ Robert insisted.

‘And I think I knew that. Somewhere… deep down inside. But I needed to take care of myself.’

Robert nodded. ‘I get that. So why didn’t you try and find me when you’d got yourself sorted?’

‘Would you have come back to me? In all honesty, would you have?’

‘I waited almost a year for you,’ he said. ‘Five months of that was spent thinking you hated me, but I still couldn’t get over you. So yeah, if you’d have wanted me back, I’d have been back like a shot. But you didn’t, did you?’

Aaron couldn’t answer. He couldn’t tell Robert about the years spent missing him, knowing that Aaron had been the one to end things, and feeling too ashamed to even contemplate trying to find Robert again.

His phone pinged with a message. It was Gareth. _Hope you found that green shirt!_

It wasn’t a declaration of love, but it was a reminder that he was there. Robert smiled sadly. ‘A sign that,’ he said. ‘You’d better get back to him.’

Aaron didn’t want to leave. In that moment, it felt like the old days again, after the affair but before they reunited; when Aaron felt alone in the world but for Robert; when he felt he could talk to Robert about anything. But he was right, and Aaron had a life to get back to.

He was getting out of the car, when he stopped and turned back. ‘Can I keep your number?’ he asked quietly.

Robert didn’t look at him when he nodded, but Aaron felt his eyes on him until he was out of sight.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel really bad doing this to the boys here when they've just been separated in real life as well. Hah! In real life! You all know what I mean! You all know that I'm crazy! Once again, I'm sorry about the wait for the chapter, but as Sundays are my updating days, I hope you all understand that it'll be a while between updates now. Happy reading :)

Aaron had never learned how to lie. Of course, he told the odd white one: ‘Liv must have eaten the last scone’, ‘I didn’t realise you were in’, ‘Yeah, it looks great can we just go now?’. But he had never learned how to lie full scale. Apart from the first few years of his life, pretending that he wasn’t gay, but that was a mask more than a lie. So as he drove back to the village, he wondered what he’d say to Gareth when he asked how his day was, when he asked where he went, when he asked if he’d be going into Leeds again soon. He parked up outside the pub and sat there for a while. He didn’t regret the time that he spent with Robert; he wouldn’t be made to regret it either. It was clear from the way they were talking that nothing would happen between them again. Aaron was, to all intents and purposes, happy. And Robert didn’t want to rob him of that. 

He checked his reflection in the rear view mirror, made sure his face was free of guilt, and got out of the car. If he wanted to carry on seeing Robert—in a mates only capacity—he needed to come clean to Gareth. That was the only way that he could imagine that he wouldn’t get caught up in guilt or brought down by self-hatred. 

_‘What should I have done, Aaron? Eh? Do you want to keep tabs on me? Put a tracker on my ankle, what?’_

_‘For god’s sake, Robert, listen to yourself!’_

_‘You listen to_ your _self!’ Robert roared. ‘Because are you hearing yourself right now?!’_

_Aaron, later, would feel shaken by Robert’s voice in argument. He had heard so many sides to it, so many volumes: had heard it scathing and cutting when he said vile things in the scrapyard, had heard it rounded and smug when he was clinching a deal or when they met up behind Chrissie’s back during the affair, he heard it lowered in submission and guilt, had heard it soft and gentle as ‘I love you’ fell from his lips. But it wasn’t often that Robert raised his voice in anger. And yet… and yet Aaron was hearing it more and more._

_“You gave me hell for Ryan!”_

_“I told you that being bisexual doesn’t mean I’m gonna cheat on you!”_

_“One woman!”_

_“Why can’t you just let it go!”_

_Each one hurt Aaron. Each one tore at his heart a bit._

_‘All I can hear is_ you _makin’ excuses for why you need to see Rebecca again,’ Aaron hissed._

_Robert’s eyes narrowed, then widened. ‘Are we seriously having this same argument again?!’ he said incredulously. ‘Aaron, I don’t know how many times I’m supposed to say it: there is nothing between me and Rebecca.’_

_‘Yeah, you’ve said, and yet you still had to lie, didn’t you? You still lied when you were spending time with her. Why couldn’t you just_ tell _me?’_

_‘Because I knew that this is how it would go! You’d accuse me of seeing her behind your back, I’d defend myself, defend my_ sexuality _and you’ll nod along until I think that I’ve finally gotten through to you, until the next time when the whole cycle starts again! I’m sick of it, Aaron!’ He blinked as if only just realising the words that had left his mouth. The breath caught in Aaron’s chest. Robert swallowed, and Aaron thought for sure that he was going to take it back; that he was going to apologise, say that he didn’t mean it, that he’d try again, that he’d be better. But he opened his mouth and said, ‘I’m sick of it.’_

‘Hello?’ Aaron shouted up the stairs.

He heard movement, the creaking of floorboards and then Gareth appeared on the landing. ‘Alright, Love?’

‘Hey. Yeah, you?’

His husband descended the stairs and when he was stood level with him, kissed Aaron lightly on the lips. Aaron deepened it, sighing into the connection. When they separated, Gareth was smiling. ‘Had a good day then?’

‘Yeah. Yeah, it was okay. Missed you though.’

Gareth arched his eyebrow and Aaron groaned inwardly. His husband knew him; they had been together for years, of course he knew him. ‘What’s going on?’ Gareth said, proving Aaron right. He needed to tell him. No good would come of keeping his and Robert’s meeting a secret, and he’d prefer for Gareth to find out from him rather than hear it through someone else. Even though the encounters were perfectly innocent, Aaron knew from his own experience what keeping secrets and letting them fester could do to a relationship.

He walked into the kitchen and put the kettle on, and set about making both of them a cup of tea; keeping things as casual as possible. ‘I bumped into Robert the other day,’ he said.

‘Robert?’

‘Sugden,’ Aaron clarified. He looked at his husband for signs of recognition. It dawned on Gareth’s face and his husband nodded. ‘I saw him in Leeds and we… well, we swapped numbers.’

‘Right. And that’s where you were today?’ Gareth’s voice wasn’t accusatory, but just generally wondering. It threw Aaron a little if he was honest.

‘Um, yeah. Well, only for about an hour.’

‘Right.’

Aaron bit his lip. ‘You’re not… _mad_ are you?’

‘Mad? No, of course not, Love. Just a meeting between mates, right?’

‘Yeah, of course. That’s all it was.’

Gareth smiled and walked closer to him; grazed his knuckles down Aaron’s arm lovingly and gently. ‘Skip the tea, yeah? I’ve not seen you all day.’

**** 

Aaron hadn’t heard from Robert. He wasn’t really expecting it, but it still felt like a loss. Robert had well and truly handed over the reins to Aaron; either that or he didn’t want to show his hand too soon. Sitting alone in the pub on Tuesday at midday, the lunchtime rush just finished and the punters going back to work, Aaron’s thumb made an abortive move to his messages, and Robert’s name. He shook his head and clicked his phone off.

‘Shop?’ 

He looked up and shook his head at his pseudo-father’s old, lame joke. ‘That’s gettin’ old, you know,’ he said. He chuckled though, and poured a pint for Paddy.

‘Yeah, well, _I’m_ getting old,’ Paddy returned with a laugh. He took a sip of the pint and let out a satisfied sigh. ‘How are you?’

Aaron nodded. ‘Fine, yeah. You?’

Paddy nodded as well. ‘Fine.’

They looked at each other and Aaron shook his head. ‘We’ve officially run out of conversation,’ he laughed. ‘You don’t usually show your face ‘round here at lunch time.’

Paddy shrugged. ‘Fancied a pint, that’s all.’ But his eyes wouldn’t quite meet Aaron’s, and he kept playing with the condensation on the glass, and Aaron knew that he was being shifty. 

‘Yeah, I’m not buyin’ that. You know my Mum doesn’t start her shift until later, yeah?’

‘Yeah, I know. I’m not—’

‘And Marlon hasn’t worked here in years.’

‘I just came in for a pint!’ Paddy said. 

‘I don’t believe you.’ Then it dawned on him. ‘Did my Mum say something to you?’

‘About what?’ And Paddy did look genuinely flummoxed, but he had perfected his innocent “who me?” look over the years, and especially since he and Chas drifted between being friends and being a ‘thing’ as quickly and often as the fickle tide.

Aaron rolled his eyes. ‘About _Robert_.’

Paddy had the gall to frown in confusion, but it was the most ham acting Aaron had seen this side of the Christmas pantomime. ‘Robert?’

‘Really? Are you gonna pretend you don’t know what Robert I’m talking about?’ There had been no love lost between Paddy and Robert, but their animosity was memorable, even twenty years on. 

‘No.’

‘Right. So how much did she tell you? I’m 44 years old, but she can’t stop sticking her nose into my business, can she?’

‘Yeah.’ Paddy cleared his throat. ‘She—uh—just said that—that you’d got his number, and that you’d met up with him.’

Aaron nodded and sighed. If there was one thing he could count on, was that Paddy and Chas would always find time in their busy schedule of playing “So what are we, exactly?” to talk about and swap notes about their son. ‘Go on, then,’ he said. ‘Tell me what you think.’

‘I think it’s a bad idea,’ Paddy said immediately. Aaron wasn’t expecting anything different. ‘I think you should stop seein’ him, but… I also know you enough that you won’t.’

‘I’ve tried,’ Aaron whispered. ‘I don’t _want_ to feel this way. But…’ he shook his head. ‘And I love Gareth. I really do love him. He makes me so happy. But then, I think about Robert and things get all mixed up.’ He ran his fingers through his hair in agitation. ‘I’m too old to be doin’ this!’

Paddy smiled. ‘You’re never too old to have a crisis.’

That made Aaron laugh a bit, but he sobered quickly. ‘I tried so hard to forget Robert, you know? To put him out of my mind.’

‘I know,’ Paddy said. ‘I was there. I know how hard it was for you.’

‘So why am I doin’ this to myself again, eh?’

They both knew the answer, but neither of them were willing to say the words: Aaron was still very much in love with Robert flamin’ Sugden.

**** 

Gareth had been surprisingly handsy the past few days. Aaron put it down to his job maybe not being quite so stressful, or just a general feeling of merriment and flirtation. But it wasn’t until his husband squeezed his backside after Aaron innocently checked his phone that Aaron realised that… Gareth was _jealous_. It was something that hadn’t really crossed his mind since he told Gareth about his meeting up with Robert, because his husband had taken the news so well. Too well, maybe, but at that point Aaron was too lost in relief to really dissect and analyse anything. It made sense now, though, why Gareth cornered Aaron whenever they had a moment alone, why he put his hand on Aaron’s waist any chance he got and drew him into the warmth of his body, why he had spent Sunday morning showing Aaron _precisely_ why it was a bad idea to get out of bed when there was nothing that needed their immediate attention.

Aaron had preened under the attention, and had welcomed each touch of his husband on his skin. It made him feel wanted in a way that he hadn’t felt in a little while. Oh, they were happy of course they were, and they had their moments when they couldn’t get enough of each other. But those moments had been few and far between in recent months, and when the heat had returned to their marriage, Aaron could not feel happier. But when he found out why… it left a sour taste in his mouth, and each of Gareth’s touches against his skin felt prickly like sandpaper.

This was what jealousy looked like, he thought. And in himself years ago with Robert, it had manifested itself differently, but it still wasn’t very attractive. 

‘Not that I can blame him, I suppose,’ Aaron said. He watched Paddy watch him. ‘And I’m not drawing away from him. I haven’t even heard from Robert in days, almost a week now. But… I dunno, maybe it feels different to Gareth.’

Paddy blew on his hot tea and his eyes moved restlessly as he thought through Aaron’s latest conundrum. ‘Do you want my advice?’ he asked.

Aaron cast his eyes heavenward. He didn’t know if he _did_ want Paddy’s advice, especially when it concerned Robert, but it was all he had. _Paddy_ was all he had; he had always felt most comfortable talking to his father figure about things than he did his mother, and that hadn’t changed. ‘Go on then,’ he said.

‘Right.’ Paddy pushed his glasses up on his nose and leant forward in his seat. ‘I think you need to delete Robert’s number,’ he said. 

‘I knew you’d say that.’

‘Yeah. Because it’s the right thing to do, and you know it is.’

Aaron nodded, albeit reluctantly. Then he closed his eyes and shuddered as a feeling of such immense loss swept through his veins at the thought of losing contact with Robert again. ‘I don’t know if I can,’ he gasped. ‘The thought of letting him go again…’

‘Aaron,’ Paddy cut in harshly. ‘I _love_ you. You’re a son to me. So I say this with the utmost affection: _you need to stop this now_. You’re not a kid anymore, and you have a husband who loves you. Don’t mess that up, Aaron.’

Tears filled Aaron’s eyes and overflowed, dripping down his cheeks. ‘I know,’ he sobbed. ‘I know that. But it’s _Robert_ , Paddy.’

Paddy stared at him, his eyes sympathetic and not at all judgemental. ‘Alright,’ he began abruptly. ‘Say you do start something with Robert,’ he said. Aaron’s heart leapt at the very suggestion. ‘Say you tell Gareth it’s over, and you go back to Robert. Then, six months down the line you realise that you miss Gareth. You now have to tell Robert it’s over _again_ , and try and win Gareth back, which won’t be easy.’ Aaron wiped his eyes, but the tears kept coming. Not only would that scenario break Robert’s heart again, but what about Gareth? Would he be willing to take Aaron back? But would Aaron even _want_ him back if he was with Robert? That was a thought that Aaron pushed to the very back of his mind. Pushed it into a cupboard and locked the door. Paddy saw the anguish written boldly on Aaron’s face. He put his hand on his son’s arm. ‘Aaron, I’ve been there. I’ve almost given up someone, had them taken away from me, only to realise that… that there’s no going back from that.’

Aaron nodded. Although Rhona had wanted nothing to do with Pierce when he got completely out of control, the woman also hadn’t wanted anything to do with Paddy in the romantic sense either. Paddy had lost her the day he started the affair with Tess, and Aaron knew somehow that if he ended things with Gareth, especially for Robert, then there would be no getting him back. 

‘I have to decide, don’t I?’ he whispered.

‘Yeah. It’s not easy, but you have to do it.’

‘I’ll text Robert,’ Aaron said. ‘Tell him that it’s over. Whatever _this_ was.’

‘It’s for the best.’

Overcome with the most tremendous heartache, Aaron sobbed. ‘I love him, Paddy!’

Instantly, his father was there, hugging him and rocking him side to side, as if he was still the teenager who had come to him broken and in need of love. ‘I know you do,’ Paddy whispered. Aaron could hear the tears in his voice. ‘I know you do.’

****   
Aaron had texted Robert. But he had asked to meet up with him. If he had to do this, he wouldn’t do it over the phone. He wanted to tell Robert face to face. He owed the man that much. He hadn’t told Paddy his plan, because he didn’t want the man to try to talk him out of it. So when he had calmed down, he had left Paddy’s home, and had sat in the park in Emmerdale. Once again, his thumb had hovered over Robert’s name, but this time he had clicked it, and had typed out a quick message, asking Robert if he could see him. The answer came hours later, after Gareth had returned home, after Aaron had prepared them a meal, whilst Gareth was in the shower. The answer had come through, simply an ‘okay’, and Aaron had nodded. The beginning of the end.  
Two days later, Aaron was in Leeds again. He had asked Robert to meet him in the park. Aaron refused to think of it as _their_ park, because that was just getting much too sentimental. He had arrived early, half an hour early in fact, and diverted to the café that Robert had met Vic and Adam in. He approached the café, and his breath stuttered when he saw Robert sitting at a table. Aaron took a step back, and then realised that Robert was talking to someone. Aaron couldn’t see who the next person was, but he saw a man’s hand pat Robert on the arm, and Robert smile sadly and nod. Aaron felt an irrational spurt of jealousy. Who was this person that Robert was sitting with? The two of them seemed close, from the way the hand patted Robert’s arm—why hadn’t Robert said anything about him when he and Aaron had met? Of course he could just be a friend, but… 

He shook himself. He was being ridiculous. He was here to tell Robert that they could no longer see each other, that he was deleting his number from his phone. Again, the thought made Aaron’s chest ache. He walked past the window, his eyes on Robert, and waiting to see the mystery person which the arm was attached to.

His eyes widened, even as a hundred questions erupted in his mind. Whatever he had expected, it wasn’t this: Robert being seemingly comforted by Paddy.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A new chapter! (Finally!) This one is a short one because I just wanted to get back into the swing of things. A fair amount does happen though. And hopefully I'll get back into writing quicker, longer updates soon! Apologies to everyone who has waited for this update. Thank you all so much for your patience :)
> 
> Happy reading!
> 
> Note: italics and bold are present day messages :)

Before he could get any kind of input from his brain, Aaron’s feet were carrying him into the café. The door swung open on its hinges, and he got the shocked attention of the two men. He strode over to their table.

Paddy shot to his feet. ‘Aaron,’ he said. 

‘Surprised?’ he asked. ‘That makes two of us then.’ He looked at Robert and for a brief second, his stomach clenched at the sadness he saw in his ex-lover’s eyes before he directed his attention back to Paddy. ‘Wanna explain what’s going on?’

‘Just… sit down a minute, yeah?’

Aaron did. His leg bounced with agitation at the look that passed between Robert and Paddy. Questions swam around his head like sharks around a seal. ‘Well?’ he demanded. ‘Since when were you two so pally?’ 

‘You said you wanted to meet me here,’ Robert said, the first thing he had said since Aaron arrived. 

‘Yeah, _you_. Not Paddy.’ He darted his eyes to his pseudo-dad. ‘How did you know he’d be here?’

‘I asked him to come,’ Robert said.

If Aaron weren’t sitting, he’d have fallen over. He stared at Robert in shock. ‘You—what—I don’t—why?’ He was aware of other customers in the café looking at them in keen interest, and kept his voice down. ‘How long has this been going on? Whatever _this_ is?’

Paddy looked at him, then at Robert. ‘A while,’ he said finally. ‘Quite a long while, actually.’

Aaron’s mouth worked, but no words came out. 

‘We kind of ran into each other nine years ago,’ Robert said. ‘I was working in Leeds; Paddy was there. I…’ he closed his eyes as if admitting anything would cause him physical pain. ‘I asked him how you were. At first he didn’t want to talk to me about you, after what I did to you—’

‘Then after we got talking, I realised that… well, that Robert hadn’t actually done anything wrong.’

‘Nine years?’ Aaron hissed. ‘You’ve… you’ve been talking to Robert, _meeting him_ for nine years?’

‘Off and on,’ Paddy said. He had the good grace to look ashamed. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t—’

‘You’re _sorry_?!’ Aaron’s voice rose with his temper. He lowered his head and massaged his temples with his thumbs until he calmed down. ‘You kept that one a secret didn’t you? So, what, you met up to talk about me? Or was this some kind of weird… emotional affair?’ He couldn’t help thinking about the hand that Paddy had lay on Robert’s arm.

‘Don’t be ridiculous!’ Paddy said. ‘We met and got to talking. That was all.’

‘Paddy and Vic were my only connections to Emmerdale,’ Robert said. ‘To _you_. And, well, Vic didn’t like to talk about you. She thought it upset me too much.’

Aaron wanted to reach out for Robert then, when he heard the anguish in his voice. He couldn’t imagine what it was like for him, cut off—again—from the home he knew, accepting false blame once again. Aaron was no better than Jack, was he? But nothing was quite forgiven just yet. ‘I don’t understand how you could have kept this a secret for nine years,’ he accused Paddy. ‘Surely you must have known I’d want to know about it?’

Paddy looked at Robert in a way that Aaron found familiar: he was gauging how Robert would react to what he’d say next. It was a look Aaron had found himself on the receiving end of so many times, and for a moment his heart clenched at the thought that Robert had found something like a father figure in Paddy as well.

‘You were happy with Gareth,’ Paddy told him. ‘You were finally moving on. I didn’t want to ruin that. Your Mum doesn’t know, before you ask,’ he said. ‘No one does.’

It was going to take a while to get his head around this. Far be it, however, for Aaron to be the one to come between Robert and his only link to the village. To Aaron himself. Then he remembered what he was here for and his throat closed with an emotion he daren’t study too closely. He spoke to Paddy without taking his eyes off Robert. He wanted to memorise this, before he had to leave him for good this time, and carry on with his life. ‘I need to talk to Robert.’

There was a pause, during which Aaron imagined his father looked between the two younger men. ‘Right. I’ll be—well, I’ll be around.’ His chair scraped on the floor as he pushed it back, and then they were left alone.

Aaron looked down at Robert’s fingers which were playing with a loose thread of a button on the cuff of his light blue shirt. He hated this. ‘Can we go somewhere a bit quieter?’ he asked.

When Robert breathed it held all the feeling of a last breath. ‘Yeah. ‘Course.’

They went back to the park which was a bit emptier now. It was such a serene setting, and Aaron almost felt bad for blemishing it with what was about to happen. The lake rippled as a light breeze blew across it, leaves rustled, the sky was a brilliant white: it wouldn’t rain, but neither was the sun too harsh. Aaron shook himself and dragged his mind back to the moment. Before, he couldn’t keep his eyes off Robert, but now… now he couldn’t look at him. ‘Robert, I um. I don’t think we should do this anymore.’

He had expected questions or at least anger. He had expected Robert to throw everything back in his face, state with venom that _Aaron_ was the one to get them involved again. What he didn’t expect was the nod of acceptance. ‘I know,’ Robert said.

‘What—’

‘Paddy told me.’ Robert turned his face towards Aaron. A sorrowful smile touched Robert’s lips, and his eyes were gleaming with unshed tears. ‘I knew that it couldn’t last anyway. It never could, could it? Me and you.’ He huffed a little sardonic laugh. ‘It’s one thing our pasts should have taught us.’ Aaron opened his mouth, not sure what to say but wanting to ease the pain somehow. Robert interrupted him. ‘Can I just—’ He turned to face Aaron properly. ‘I never forgot you, Aaron. Never. No matter who I was with, or where I was, or what I was doing. It was always you. I’m not—I’m not saying all of this to try and get you back or anything. I know that you’re happy with your husband. All the things that Paddy has told me over the years… I can hear it in his voice as well, even when he doesn’t want me to.’ He smiled again, more sincere. ‘I’m happy for you,’ his voice broke, and a tear fell down his cheek wiped away quickly as if Robert was embarrassed. ‘I just… I wanted you to know that I am happy. So… closure, yeah?’

Aaron didn’t know what to say, so he said nothing. He nodded. Robert held out his hand for Aaron to shake. It felt wrong, ending it like this. Years—not just the years spent together, but the twenty years between when Aaron just couldn’t let go, not completely. Did it all really come down to this? A handshake in a park in Leeds?

Robert nodded, more to himself, and left. Aaron sat there, unmoving. Frozen in place. 

What had he done?

**** 

**_Message received Friday 23:09 hours: Hey, uh, it’s me. I um… I guess I’m not surprised you didn’t answer your phone. If you even have me in your contacts anymore. I—I don’t know why I’m callin’ you. Delete this, actually, after you listen to it. If you listen to it. Right. Okay. Um. Bye._ **

****

****

**_Message received Friday 23.47 hours: Me again. Dunno why I—maybe I’m lonely, I dunno. Gareth’s away. A stag do in Manchester. You don’t wanna hear about him though. Sorry. God, I’m a mess aren’t I? Late forties and I’m drunk calling my ex. Yeah, I’m—well I’m not_ drunk _. Just… tipsy I guess._**

****

**_Message received Friday 23.58 hours: You were always more than just an ex, Robert. I—I hope you kn—know that. I—I never felt for anyone else the way I felt about you. I don’t—maybe I shouldn’t say—but I mean, it’s you, yeah? Always… always you. Just like it was always me for you. I’m... I—_ **

****

****

**_Message received Saturday 00.22 hours: You know what, Robert, fuck you, yeah? Fuck you and—and you always have to have the last word, don’t you? Eh? All the time. No matter what—you had to… you’re not even here and—and you’re makin’ me_ cry _. I don’t—I don’t_ need _you in my life. Okay? I don’t. ‘Cause I have Gareth and I—I_ love _him. So fuck you, Robert flamin’ Sugden. Fuck you!_**

****

****

**_Message received Saturday 00.31 hours: Oh god, Robert, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—I don’t mean it. I don’t! God I love you. D’you know that, eh? I—I love the_ bones _of you! The biggest mistake was… was lettin’ you go. I’m sorry. I love you._**


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all of your amazing comments and support! It means the absolute world to me <3
> 
> (mini note: If Aaron seems ooc, his dramatics are intentional, I promise!)

_Robert tried to catch his breath, still inside of Aaron and gasping. Aaron grasped at his fiance’s broad shoulders, attempting to ground himself. They kissed, a mess of breath and tongue and teeth, until Robert heaved himself up on his hands and pulled out of Aaron._

_‘You’re amazing,’ Robert breathed as he settled himself next to Aaron. The younger man grinned. He slapped the back of his hand on Robert’s chest, eyes slipping shut when Robert took his hand and brought it to his lips, kissing his knuckles._

_‘You’re not so bad yourself.’_

_They were drifting into sleep when a loud knocking startled them and—_

Aaron jerked awake. Guilt flooded his body even as his mind couldn’t quite connect why, still lost in his dreamscape. The knocking in his memory-tinted dream carried through to the present day reality and for a moment confusion marred his mind. It continued for a while before Aaron realised that it wasn’t in his dream, but outside the back door. 

He grunted as he sat up on the sofa, head spinning and eyes hurting even with the weak sunlight peeping through the thin lace curtain at the window. The throbbing in his head, the sharp ache of it, was a fitting punishment when he realised just what kind of dream he’d been having and why he felt so guilty about it. He felt cold all over, sick to his stomach, wished that he could pass out again instead of facing his rebellious subconscious.

The knocking got louder, seemed to be in time with his pounding head, and a voice accompanied it. ‘Aaron! I know you’re there! Aaron!’

Stumbling to his feet and out of the room, Aaron tried to figure out why Robert was knocking at the door. Nothing made sense yet in his hungover and fogged mind. He wrenched the door open, stumbling back again when Robert shouldered his way into the pub.

‘Are you alone?’ Robert demanded.

‘Yeah.’ Aaron’s voice was a broken croak. He cleared his throat and tried again. ‘Yeah, Gareth’s—’

‘In Manchester, I know,’ Robert said.

Aaron frowned. He leaned on the back of the sofa for support. ‘How d’you—’

‘Oh, so you don’t remember the messages you left me then?’ Robert as good as snarled. He brandished his mobile in one hand whilst gesturing wildly with the next. ‘How drunk _were_ you? Eh? Do you even remember _calling_ me?’

Aaron massaged his temples with his thumbs as bits and pieces of last night filtered through his mind, snatches of one-sided conversations and emotions running high and low. When he said nothing, Robert started to play one of the messages on speakerphone. Aaron blanched at his own voice.

_‘ Hey, uh, it’s me. I um… I guess I’m not surprised you didn’t answer your phone. If you even have me in your contacts anymore. I—I don’t know why—’_

Robert cut it off there. Aaron cringed. ‘Robert, look—’

‘No, you look! You can’t—you can’t keep changing your mind, all right? _You_ said that we shouldn’t see each other anymore, Aaron! You told me to meet you so that you could cut off all contact! How—what the _hell_ gives you the right to just pick me up and drop me like this?’ Robert breathed shakily, a hand held to his eyes. ‘You cut off contact with me, Aaron. That was what you wanted.’

‘Yeah, it _was_.’

They stared at each other for a long moment, a chasm between them. Robert finally broke the silence with his weak voice. ‘Was?’ 

Aaron bit his lip and his eyes brimmed with tears. He always had been too quick to cry. ‘I— I think…’ He stopped himself, not even sure what was going to come out of his mouth, perhaps not wanting to _hear_ what was going to come out of his mouth.

‘You think what?’ Aaron shrugged, but as ever, Robert seemed to have a sixth sense when it came to Aaron; knew him better than anyone even now. ‘You have a husband,’ he said. ‘A new life! You moved on, Aaron—you made that decision for both of us!’

‘I know I did! And I love Gareth, but…’ he clenched his hands into fists, blunt nails creating crescent moons on his skin. ‘I love him, but I… regr— ’

‘No!’ Robert pointed a shaking finger at him. ‘No. Don’t you _dare_ finish that sentence.’ His eyes were gleaming, his lip trembling. His voice broke, weak and fragile as the winter sun. ‘It’s been twenty years, Aaron. You’re supposed to be over me! You’re supposed to be happy!’

‘I _am_!’

‘SO STOP FUCKING WITH ME!’ It was a plea and a roar in one, and if Aaron hadn’t been leaning on the back of the sofa, he would have collapsed from the sheer heartache in Robert’s voice. The older man was shaking and trying to catch his breath, each inhale hooked back by a gasp. Aaron stared at him.

‘Robert—’

‘It’s not fair,’ Robert whimpered. ‘It’s not fair that you still have this hold over me.’ He wet his lips, tongue dragging over them. ‘Delete my number,’ he said.

Aaron swallowed. ‘What?’

‘Delete my number, Aaron. You can’t—you can’t have both of us. Please. I’m begging you, Aaron.’

And Aaron… he unlocked his phone, found Robert’s contact details, and his thumb hovered. He needed to do this. For himself, for Gareth, for Robert. His hands shook. He couldn’t. Robert hurtled towards him and snatched the phone from his hand. 

‘No! Robert, no!’ Aaron grabbed at the man’s arm, but he was too late. Robert let out a huff of relief and handed the mobile back to Aaron, one contact less. Every bone in his body turned to water. ‘It—that was all I had of you,’ he whispered.

‘You survived well enough for twenty years,’ Robert pointed out. His voice was shaking as well, and when Aaron dared to look at him, his eyes were too red, too awash with emotions. ‘I have to go.’

‘Robert, wait—’

‘No, you listen to me. I’m _tired_ , Aaron. I’ve spent twenty years without you; twenty years that I may as well have been alone even when there was someone there to warm the next side of my bed. I’m done, okay? I… I spent all that time getting over you, fighting with myself to let you go. I’ve reached a point where I can _function_ without you. You can’t just let yourself back into my life and think that things will be fine.’

Aaron curled inwards, weighed down by his own shame, his own disbelief at his actions. ‘I’m sorry.’

Robert nodded. He looked as tired as he said he was. ‘You have a husband and a new life, Aaron. Please, _please_ stay out of mine.’

**** 

Aaron didn’t know how long he sat there, nursing a glass of water which had long since gone warm in his clasped hands. His phone was beside him, and if he thought he wasn’t waiting for a call from Robert, a text, anything, he’d be kidding himself. 

When the phone did beep heralding a text, Aaron almost didn’t dare look, dreading what he’d find. But it was a message from Gareth. His _husband_.

_G: On my way home, love. Can’t wait to see you._

It made Aaron’s stomach turn to think how he was holding onto Gareth, even whilst he pined over Robert. But Robert had made it abysmally clear that they could never be in contact again. Aaron breathed in and out shakily and type a message back.

_A: You too. Love you_

He felt sick as he sent it, but tried to convince himself it was the hangover. He cleaned up, throwing out the empty bottle and tidying the back room, then he opened the pub and waited for his husband to arrive. Life went on. It had to.

**** 

‘Aaron.’

Said man looked up from his magazine at the strict voice of his father-figure. He frowned, but still tried on a smile for him. ‘All right, Paddy?’ The older man didn’t return the smile; if anything his strict expression deepened. ‘What’s up with you?’

‘We need to talk,’ Paddy said.

Aaron’s eyes narrowed. ‘Right. Okay. Um, I’ll get someone to cover.’ He gestured quickly to Belle, who rolled her eyes but didn’t question it, before nodding Paddy through to the back room. ‘What’s up?’ he asked again.

They sat on the sofa. Paddy fidgeted, but he still hadn’t lost his grim expression. ‘I know it’s none of my business,’ he said, ‘and I promised I’d stay out of it, but—’

‘Promised who?’

Paddy sighed. ‘What did you say to Robert?’ When Aaron did nothing but sit and look shocked, he continued. ‘He-he called me the other day, upset, on the verge of tears. Said that—that something had happened.’ He shook his head. ‘He didn’t tell me everything, but I sussed that it was something to do with you. Was it?’

It hurt to know that Robert was in pieces after what had happened after his drunken messages, enough to need to confide in someone. He should have just left it alone; should have just let Robert get on with his life. 

‘Aaron?’ Paddy said.

He chewed on his lip. ‘I got drunk, a week ago. When Gareth was in Manchester. I—I left… these messages on Robert’s phone. I was all over the place, Paddy.’

‘What did you tell him?’

‘From what I can remember? A whole load of nonsense at first. I think I shouted at one point, told him to go to hell more or less. And then…’ he had remembered all too vividly the last message he left, had remembered in the middle of the evening, when he and Gareth were watching a film together after Aaron’s morning shift had ended. He’d stiffened, had froze when he remembered it, and realised why Robert had been so distraught. ‘I—I told him that I still loved him.’

Paddy let out his breath on a groan. ‘Tell me you didn’t!’

‘I was drunk!’

‘So you didn’t mean it then?’

Aaron said nothing. Paddy threw his glasses on the table, and put his hands to his face. ‘Aaron!’

‘What do you want me to say, Paddy? Whatever you say to me, it can’t make me feel any worse than I did after Robert came to see me—’

‘Robert came here?!’

Aaron squeezed his eyes shut. He should have known that Robert wouldn’t have confided everything; he and Paddy might be friends, but for Robert, old habits die hard and he wouldn’t have wanted to seem more vulnerable than he needed to be. Aaron happened to be his strongest weak point.

‘Yes, he came to see me, the morning after I’d left the messages.’

‘And? How was he?’

‘Upset. Really upset.’

‘Can you blame him?’ Paddy’s voice was soft. It was only then that Aaron really appreciated just how much his father cared for Robert. He shook his head.

‘No, I don’t blame him. I wasn’t intentionally leading him on, Paddy.’

‘I know.’ He reached out and put his hand on Aaron’s shoulder. Aaron leant into him. ‘So… what are you going to do?’

‘Let him go.’ It cost Aaron everything to say those words, to even think them was bad enough. He nodded. ‘I have to. I know what it’s like to be in the situation he’s in. I don’t want to be _that_ person, either: someone who cheats on their partner.’ He winced. ‘No offence.’

Paddy waved him off. ‘So that’s it, yeah? No more contact with him? No more… calling him, giving him mixed messages.’

Aaron shook his head. Tears gathered in his eyes but he wiped them away before they could fall. ‘He deleted my number,’ he rasped. ‘He made sure I couldn’t get to him.’

‘It was for the best,’ Paddy said. Aaron nodded. He knew it was. Didn’t make it hurt any less though.

**** 

It was fate. Some twisted working of destiny. Because Aaron had tried not to think about Robert, he put him out of his mind, concentrated his time and attention on his husband as it should be. He didn’t ask Adam or Vic about him, didn’t ask Paddy if he’d heard from the man. Aaron did all he could to keep out of Robert’s life, just as he’d asked. But Robert had come to him.

People said: when death is caressing your shoulder, your life flashes before your eyes. When Aaron’s car collided head on with another, he just saw Robert.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second try of this chapter! Once again, sorry about the long wait, but work and everything else in between kept me from this fic. And apologies also for the ending!
> 
> (Peeps who commented on the previous installment of this chapter, thank you so so much! I will reply to comments on my tumblr)

Panic

      Pain

            Yelling

                    Ambulance

                                    Blood

                                           Breathe just breathe

                                                                        Lights

Robert

Robert

Robert

****

Awareness leaked through the white haze of unconsciousness and Aaron’s eyes fluttered open. A white ceiling, bright lights. He squeezed his eyes shut. Groaned. Felt like hell. When he opened them again, he thought he saw Robert… but he couldn’t be sure what was reality anymore. His eyes fell shut and he drifted away…

****

_Water up to his chest, to his chin. Pain in his leg, screaming and begging Robert to leave him. Just leave him. He didn’t want to die, but more than that he didn’t want Robert to die._

_‘Robert! Just go!’_

_‘No chance! I’m not leaving you; no!’_

_God Aaron loved him. He loved Robert so much, and that was why he wanted him to go. He couldn’t stand the idea of Robert dying; not Robert._

_‘Robert! I love you. I love you. Please just go!’_

_He gave up. Was aware of Robert pressing his lips to Aaron’s, aware of new air in his lungs, should have shoved Robert away. Why was he still here? Why was he risking his life for Aaron?_

****

‘Aaron?’

His lips immediately and automatically tried to form Robert’s name, but no sound came.

‘Love?’

Awareness returned slowly, as though he had stopped spinning on the spot. _Love_. Gareth. He forced his eyes to open, and when he saw Gareth there, forced himself not to feel upset. His husband was here, waiting for him. A smile spread on Gareth’s face.

‘Aaron. Thank god.’ He raised Aaron’s hand to his lips, kissed his knuckles.

‘What—’

‘No, don’t try to speak, Love.’ He ran his fingers through Aaron’s hair. ‘I’m just glad you’re awake.’ Aaron frowned, wanting to ask how long he’d been out for. ‘It’s been a week,’ Gareth said. He looked scared. He kissed his forehead. ‘Don’t ever do that again.’

Aaron shook his head. His eyes drifted shut again and he fell into a dreamless sleep.

****

When he woke, he felt more tired than when he fell asleep. His head was facing the window, and he took a moment to look out, to appreciate the grey Yorkshire sky, the birds flitting back and forth, the wind through the leaves and branches. He had been so close to death so many times. He swallowed and exhaled shakily.

‘What’s with us and cars, eh?’

His head snapped to the chair by the opposite wall. He had to blink several times, make sure he wasn’t dreaming, make sure he wasn’t imagining it in a moment of dosed up delirium. But he _was_ there.

‘Robert?’

The man leaned forward, elbows on his knees and considered his clasped hands for a long while.

‘Rob—’

‘I’m not sure why I’m here,’ Robert said. ‘I know what I told you. But Paddy called me, told me what had happened, and I—I couldn’t stay away.’ He looked up, met Aaron’s eyes for the first time. ‘I was here earlier, but you were still out of it. Don’t think you saw me.’

‘I did,’ Aaron said quickly. ‘I—I thought I had but... I couldn’t be sure.’ He sat up and winced. Immediately, Robert was at his side.

‘Easy.’ His voice was a murmur. It seemed to vibrate from his chest, down his arm and to the hand that he placed on Aaron’s shoulder. Aaron looked up at him, and their eyes caught. He swallowed. Robert looked away. ‘I should go—’

‘No.’ Aaron caught Robert’s arm. ‘Please, just... just stay.’

‘Your husband could come through that door any second.’

Aaron wanted to tell him that he didn’t care, that he’d send Gareth away if he had to. ‘I want you to stay,’ he said.

‘You’re high on morphine, Aaron, you don’t know what you want.’

‘Don’t tell me what to think!’ Their voices had turned snappy. Aaron clenched his jaw. It always happened, with the two of them: always an argument. He breathed out, tried to calm down. ‘I want you to stay,’ he said again. ‘I—I’d _like_ you to stay. Please.’

It really did work like magic: Robert’s eyes softened, his brow lost the frowning crease, and his shoulders relaxed just a bit. ‘And if your husband comes in?’

‘I’ll tell him I’m here with a mate.’

‘Mate.’ Robert’s voice was quiet, full of regret. He swallowed. ‘I should let you sleep, you—’

‘I don’t want to sleep,’ Aaron said. He shook his head. ‘Not with you here. I don’t—I don’t want to wake up and find you gone.’

‘Aaron—’

‘’Cause I’ve been telling myself—not just the last few months, but the last few years—that I was over you, that I could move on without you. But I can’t, and I can’t just—I can’t just turn that off, you know? And maybe—maybe part of me doesn’t want to turn it off.’

‘You need to shut up right now.’

‘I love you, Robert. I never _ever_ stopped.’

Robert stood up. He was angry, Aaron realised. ‘Yeah? You love me, yeah? So what? What happens now? What, we sleep together behind your husband’s back? Until you get so _fucking guilty_ that you have to leave me again? Because I am _not_ doing that! I am not going through that, I’m not losing you again!’

‘You _know_ that I love you!’ Aaron shouted, as loud as his still healing body would let him. ‘You _knew_ , or at least suspected. I mean, why else would I want to meet up with you, and keep your number?’ Robert’s eyes flashed. ‘And—and if you wanted to be far away from me, why the hell are you here? Why did you come here, Robert?’

‘You know why!’

‘And it’s okay for you to say it, or almost say it, but not for me?’ Aaron yelled.

Robert shook his head. He pushed his fingers into his eyes, a sure sign that he was getting emotional—as emotional as Robert would ever allow himself to get. ‘I can't do this.’ He turned to leave, and Aaron sat up suddenly, in a panic. He gasped in pain. ‘Aaron!’ Robert held him, loose in his arms. ‘What's wrong with you? You can't move like this.’

Aaron swallowed back the sick feeling in his stomach. ‘Don't want you to go.’ He looked up at Robert, at his green eyes flashing through fear, anger, frustration, sadness, loss. And the more he looked, the more Aaron saw love there as well. His eyes dipped to Robert’s lips, and Robert looked away.

‘Don't, Aaron.’

‘Don't leave.’

‘I have to. Your husband—’

The door opened and Robert leapt away from Aaron as if he was made of thorns and lava. It was a nurse. She looked between them curiously, but turned professional just as quickly. ‘How are you, Mr Dingle?’

Aaron looked at her, then back at Robert, who had taken a step away from the bed. ‘A bit shaken,’ he admitted.

The nurse made a low, sympathetic noise in her throat. ‘That's to be expected.’ She smiled at Robert. ‘The doctor will be along soon to conduct some tests. Would you like to stay?’

Robert answered ‘no’ at the same time that Aaron said ‘yes’. Robert frowned at him. ‘No, I'm not staying. It’s family only, and I'm… I'm no one.’

****

It hurt more than Aaron would ever admit when Robert walked away from him. It was unfair, he knew, that Aaron himself should feel wronged when—as far as Robert could see—Aaron was the one stringing _him_ along this time around. He had listened with only half an ear to what the doctor had to say, then had to ask her to repeat again when Gareth was there. ‘I'm still a bit out of it,’ he had claimed.

Gareth had been a constant ever since Robert left. Aaron woke to little notes whenever Gareth had to work, and during the evenings, his husband would sit at his bedside with essay papers to mark but he always had a smile and a word for Aaron. And yet…

And yet Aaron missed Robert. He missed the man who had saved his life when they were young and full of new mistakes. He missed the man who had given Aaron a new lease of life, who had taught him what happiness really was. He missed his voice, his eyes, his hands. But Robert never returned to his hospital bed. Aaron cried whilst Chas was there and—clever and plain-speaking woman that his mother was—she had told him with all the kindness she had for Aaron that he needed to get over Robert.

‘I know you feel this way now, Love,’ she said when Aaron had dried his eyes and they were stinging. ‘But it'll fade. It's just because you've seen him. But trust me, you'll feel differently when you go home to Gareth and start fresh with him.’ She cupped his face, her hands old and wrinkled but her eyes shining with a youth of someone twenty years her junior. ‘You'll be able to move on, Aaron. It's best. For both of you.’

He hadn't told Chas about Paddy meeting Robert. That was Paddy’a secret to keep, and Aaron was worried that his Mum would make Paddy stop seeing Robert if she thought that was best for Aaron. From what he'd heard, Robert still didn't have many friends—maybe partly because he moved around too often, partly because he didn't want to let anyone else in. Maybe his Mum was right. Maybe he just needed to give it time. But the thought of going home to Gareth didn't fill him with joy as it should. Instead he just felt empty, incomplete.

****

_‘The amount you two argue, I'm surprised you're still together.’ Adam said it with a grin in his voice, but his eyes were serious. ‘If me and Vic argued half as much, we'd have packed it in years ago.’_

_Aaron rolled his eyes and didn't say what he thought: that arguing was something he and Robert did; it always had been. Didn't mean that they loved each other any less. To an outsider it might seem that they lived their lives in a state of disgruntlement. But no one but Liv and Chas and Vic saw the Robert that Aaron did, and even then, they saw certain parts of him only. Aaron knew every part of Robert. He knew what he looked like when he woke in the morning, still full of sleep but always with a smile for the man at his side. He knew that their morning routines were a dance of playful shoving and pulling and kissing. He knew that Robert grinned and scowled in good nature when Aaron slurped his milk or had crumbs around his lips from the slice of toast he had to shove into his mouth because they were both late for work. He knew what it felt like to hear his phone beep or vibrate with a message from Robert during the day, whether they were separated by a few miles or just a desk and co-workers. The texts varied between dirty enough to make Aaron blush, funny enough to make him bite his lip and laugh when he met his fiance’s eyes, or sweet enough to make him smile and fall even more in love. And he knew that when they arrived home, tired from work, they'd circle around each other in the kitchen and cook, and they'd eat and talk and watch each other, and that night curled up in bed with Robert at his side, Aaron knew that he was where he needed to be._

_No one else knew that side of Robert. Just Aaron, and it made him feel special; loved. Loved enough that he could forget the arguments and forget their history and forget that maybe he should be just a bit paranoid. Because when Robert returned home to him and made Aaron feel like the only one… it was nothing short of heaven._

****

He was able to go the next day. When they had the news the evening before, Gareth had greeted it with a beaming smile, and Aaron had tried to match it, tooth for tooth. Robert hadn't come back, and Aaron hadn't asked Paddy about him either.

That afternoon, Aaron packed the clothing that Gareth had brought in for him during his short stay in hospital. He remembered the same hospital but what seemed a lifetime ago, getting engaged to Robert in a hospital bed, feeling like his world made sense finally; that everything had fallen into place. Now he had everything he could want: a husband who loved him, a husband he could trust, a man that had stood by him for ten years.

So why did everything feel like it was falling apart because it wasn't _Robert_ he was going home with?

He felt a presence by the door and forced a smile into his voice. ‘You're here early,’ he said to his husband. ‘School let you go, did they?’

Gareth said nothing. Aaron turned around and gasped. ‘Robert.’

Robert didn't say a word. He just walked to Aaron, eyes and then hands on Aaron’s face. And Robert kissed him.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you all so much for your kudos and comments and encouragement! I am so grateful to you all!

The planets shifted. The moment their lips touched, the earth tilted on its axis, and Aaron was powerless to stop himself from falling with it.

It was everything that Aaron remembered: every feeling of guilt and lust and love and hate and loss was in that single contact. His hands gravitated to Robert’s shoulders and clung there, like he was the only thing keeping him tethered to the earth.

Then Robert wrenched himself back, pulling Aaron's breath with him. Aaron's eyes fluttered open. ‘What—’

‘I don't—’ Robert put his hand to his lips. Aaron still felt Robert there, lips on his own, taste the same, sensation something he had had to bury. ‘This was a mistake.’

Aaron was taken back to that day, what seemed like three lives ago, at a lay by, Robert testing the waters, Aaron falling and drowning quicker and further than he had ever been taken before. He lurched forward and grabbed Robert's arm. ‘Robert!’

‘I have to go.’

‘No! No, Robert, please! Don't leave!’ He couldn't let Robert go. Not again.

‘Aaron—’

‘Why'd you kiss me then?’ Aaron was all too aware how desperate he sounded. ‘Why're you here, and why did you _kiss me_?!’

Robert turned away, his lips pursed, and Aaron raised his hand, touched Robert's cheek. He caressed the soft skin with his thumb and remembered how _good_  it felt to have Robert so close. For a moment, all too brief, he was twenty four again, and things were _perfect_. Then Robert gripped his wrist gently. ‘Aaron.’

‘Don't,’ Aaron pleaded. He leaned in, watched Robert's eyes, watched the way they flickered to Aaron's lips and Aaron leaned closer still. Until he was close enough to breathe Robert in. Their lips touched again, and Aaron felt the moan that tumbled from Robert's mouth, felt the vibrations thrum through the air.

How did he deny himself this?

They were kissing again, softer this time, no less _them_. Robert broke away first again. ‘I can't—’ He pressed his forehead to Aaron's. It felt too much like goodbye. Robert shook his head. ‘I didn't want to see you going back to him. God, I'm sorry, I—’

‘No. Don't—don't be sorry. God, Robert. I _want_  you.’

Robert's breath hitched. ‘Aaron.’ He pulled away, just enough to look into Aaron's eyes. ‘This isn't you.’

‘What?’

‘You won't give up your husband. I wouldn't expect you to. Not… not after everything that happened with us.’

Aaron couldn't speak, but he wanted to. He wanted to tell Robert that he wanted _him_. That he would leave Gareth for _him_. If Robert wanted him.

‘Mr Dingle?’

The two men jumped apart, as if an electric current had been thrown through their bodies. A nurse stood in the doorway, a look of slight judgement on her face. Aaron wanted to curl in on himself. ‘Your husband is here, sir,’ she said. ‘Shall I send him in?’

Gareth was here.

Aaron looked at Robert, and their eyes locked. He couldn't let Robert go. Not again. He wanted to beg, plead. Would do _anything_  to get Robert to stay. As always with the two of them, all words went unspoken but yet they said _everything_. A hundred years passed, a thousand, they couldn't look away. Robert made the decision for them both. He reached out, brushed his hand across Aaron's wrist, thumb over his pulse, and then said,

‘I'll go.’

The tears were instant. The world ended with two words. Aaron wanted to scream, shout, threaten. But Robert's eyes told him everything: it was for the best. Best for _who_? Aaron wanted to ask. This felt like no other pain; it felt like dying.

Robert left, and Aaron had to compose himself, had to relearn again what living without Robert felt like.

****

Gareth greeted him with a smile and a hug. Aaron played the part, said the right things, did everything which was expected of him. They returned home to the pub and he put his clothes back in his drawers, put his toiletries back in the bathroom, went downstairs and tried on smiles for the family and friends who greeted him with an impromptu surprise party.

It felt empty.

He should be happy, so happy. He was alive, his husband would do anything for him, and Aaron loved him, he did. But for the first time in three years the ring on his finger felt too heavy.

****

Chas was the first to notice something was wrong. Of course she was. She knew Aaron like she knew herself. She pulled him aside the next day and persuaded him to take a break in the back room with her. She waited until he had placed two steaming mugs of tea in front of them before diving right in.

‘Are you going to tell me what's going on?’ she asked.

Aaron shook his head. ‘What d’you mean?’

‘Aaron, please don't pretend that I'm just one of your mates.’ When she sighed, she seemed to deflate. ‘Love, you're _settled_. You're in your forties—’

‘Yeah, ‘cause you knew _exactly_  what you wanted when you were in your forties.’ He looked down into the swirling brew. ‘Mum—’ He didn't want to tell her. He didn't want to see that disappointment cross her expression, didn't want to see how he let her down again.

‘This is about Robert, isn't it?’ He wasn't surprised that she knew. ‘Aaron. I thought that was over and done with.’

‘’Cause it's that easy?’

‘No, I'm not saying that it is. But Love, you've got an amazing husband. Just let Robert go. Until you do, you won't be able to get over him.’

Aaron bit his lip and cursed how quickly he became emotional as tears welled in his eyes. ‘I can't, Mum. I can't let him go. He's in here’— he pressed his hand to his heart— ‘he always will be.’

‘And Gareth? Where does he fit in with all of this?’ And there was the disappointment that Aaron had feared. It came off his mother like smoke.

‘I won't lead him on,’ Aaron said. ‘I'll end things with him.’ It felt all too real, saying those words, thinking about leaving the man who had made him happy for the past ten years.

Chas scoffed. ‘And you think it'll be _that_  easy, do you? Just to tell your husband that you want… what, a divorce? A break until you realise what you want?’

‘I _know_  what I want!’

‘No, Aaron! You're letting your emotions run away with you! Believe me, I've been there with Carl _hundress_  of times. And if it didn't work out the first time what makes you think it'll work out now?’

‘Because we’re different now,’ Aaron said. ‘We've both changed, but the way I love him hasn't!’ He dropped his head. ‘Mum, you said yourself that he's the love of my life. Why should we deny ourselves that?’

‘Because I don't want to see either of you get hurt again! Love, Diane told me that she saw Robert after you ended things. She said he was a mess. I know that everything that happened was partly down to him as well, but he suffered a lot when you broke up.’ She reached across the table and took his hand. ‘And I saw first hand how it destroyed you, the way that paranoia ate you from the inside out.’

‘It's why I had to go to counselling,’ Aaron said. ‘I'm better now.’

‘Aaron.’ She sat back in her seat and scrutinised him. Aaron resisted the niggling itch to look away—he was a grown man now; he'd stand his ground on this. ‘I can't say I'm happy about any of this.’

‘Mum, I love you and I'll always value your opinion. But I'm forty-five. I can make my own decisions.’

‘And your mistakes? Who suffers for those?’

He shook his head. ‘We all will. But I have to take this chance, Mum. I have to.’

****

_‘What kind of person does that make me? That can't stop loving someone like him?’_

_Aaron knew that that thought must have haunted Chas for months. After Robert had been shot, after Gordon had turned up and made Aaron's life a living nightmare, when Robert was the person Aaron had confided in first, when Aaron pushed him away time and time again, only to become friends, only to rekindle their love (never “fall in love again”: that would imply a falling out of love, and that had never happened for either of them). The thought of what kind of person Aaron was when he loved Robert must have haunted her and kept her awake at night._

_He hadn't expected Chas to be Robert's supporter when things went wrong._

_‘What's going on, Love?’ she asked. Aaron was sat in his room, alone._

_He sniffed and wiped his eyes with his sleeves. ‘I think me and Robert are over.’_

_She sat on his bed, collapsed on it and let her breath collapse with it. ‘Oh, Love. I'm so sorry.’_

_Aaron snorted. ‘Are you? You're not exactly his biggest fan, are you?’_

_‘No, but he made you happy for a long time.’ She caressed his cheek, her small palm gentle on his face. ‘What happened?’_

_‘Nothing yet but… it's bound to, isn't it?’_

_That brought her up short. ‘What do you mean?’_

_He shook his head. ‘He hasn't done anything, Mum, but I'm always so scared that he will. That someone will turn his head.’_

_‘Is this about Rebecca?’_

_‘Rebecca, people he does business with, anyone.’ He wiped his eyes again. ‘I just can't keep on doing this. It's… I'm so tired.’_

_‘Love, maybe you should see someone, eh? You're sounding—’_

_‘Crazy?’_

_‘Paranoid. Aaron,’ she sighed. ‘Robert's not looked at anyone since he's been with you. He loves you.’_

_‘And I love him, Mum. I love him so much, but that's the thing: what if he runs off with someone else? It'll destroy me.’_

_‘That's not happened, Love.’_

_‘How long until it does? How long until I find a number in his pocket and he can't explain it away? Or until he starts making excuses about why he can't spend time with me ‘cause he's got someone else on the go?’_

_‘Aaron—’_

_‘I need to sort myself out. I need to before I can be better for him. ‘Cause yeah, I am paranoid. How crazy is that? I should be able to trust him.’_

_‘You can!’_

_‘Except there's a voice in the back of my head telling me that I can't! And until I try to… shut it off I can't be happy with him. With anyone.’_

_‘You're going to break his heart, Aaron.’ She pursed her lips and stroked his hair. ‘But I understand, Love. You know I just want you to be happy.’_

_And so Aaron had ended it. Robert's confused and hurt expression as he tried to give back his ring would stay with him for years. Robert had shook his head, told him to keep it. In a few years, Aaron had felt better—better than he had in his life. But Robert was nowhere to be seen, and Aaron pretended for a while that his mother’s eyes weren't sad when he brought Gareth home for the first time._

****

Guilt pulled at Aaron's skin, made him itch, somewhere under his flesh. He sat in his car, in front of Robert's flat. It had been Adam, in the end, who he had used. Not intentionally, but Aaron convinced himself that things happened for a reason when he had a drink with his friend, and Adam went off to the toilets and left his phone on the table. It was simple, all too simple, to pick it up and—with shaking hands and trembling breaths and darting eyes—look for Robert's number.

He needed to see Robert again. Just to tell him what he wanted—that Aaron wanted him, always had in the recesses of his mind; the parts shrouded in shadow for far too long. He loved Gareth, but Aaron just knew that he wouldn't be enough. Not when Robert was still here. So he'd called him.

‘I need to see you, Robert. Please.’ Aaron didn't do begging, not until Robert. There were a lot of things which he didn't do until Robert.

Robert had paused so long before he told Aaron his address. Aaron hated himself for it. But he'd tell Gareth about him and Robert. He would. And things would be okay. Gareth would likely never forgive him, but Aaron couldn't stand the thought of stringing his husband along, all the while knowing that he couldn't give his heart to Gareth completely. Fate once again had a hand in things: Gareth's sister in law called him, and his husband went off to Scotland to see her and his brother.

Aaron peeled his hands off the steering wheel and got out of the car. He pressed the buzzer to Robert's flat, and wiped his sweating palms on his jeans. His heart raced. His breath shook.

‘Hello?’ Robert's voice was uncertain, even though he knew exactly who it was at his main door. Uncertain _because_  he knew who was at the door.

‘It's me,’ Aaron said.

A pause, and then the buzz as Robert unlocked the door. Aaron pushed it open and walked upstairs.

****

_It felt strange, not having to sneak around; not having to wrench himself away from Robert when he saw Chrissie walk through the pub door when he and Robert had a pint each and a bowl of chips between them._

_Robert didn't even look at her: he had eyes only for Aaron, and that was everything Aaron had ever wanted; everything he thought he'd never have. Robert was his. Finally and totally. The thought made him smile and he hooked his foot around Robert's ankle._

_‘All right?’ Robert asked, a smile on his face: all pink lips and soft eyes._

_‘Yeah. Great.’ He wanted to kiss Robert, wanted to never stop; wanted to take him upstairs to his bedroom, take his clothes off and make him gasp and groan. But they had all the time in the world now, and Aaron was content to just sit here a little while longer and enjoy the time with his boyfriend where everyone could see them._

****

The door was ajar. Aaron didn't see any of the corridor, didn't pay attention to the colours of the walls or the carpet or the open window on the landing. He knocked lightly on Robert's door and let himself in.

The flat was modestly big. It smelled of home: of pleasant air freshener, of dinner spices and wooden furniture. Muted greys and dark blues were everywhere, a splash of deep red in the cushions on the sofa and the photo frames.

Robert emerged from another room, the door of which he closed behind him. He looked tired. That kind of bone deep tired that Aaron had felt after they broke up for good. A pang of pain bolted through Aaron's stomach.

‘You shouldn't be here.’ Robert seemed to speak for both of them.

Aaron rubbed his hands together. ‘Well you told me where you live and let me in, so.’

‘I didn't think you'd come.’

He understood that, he supposed. Aaron was always the more moral one. But somehow they always slipped for Robert. Slipped enough to hurt Chrissie, slipped enough to hurt Gareth.

‘I had to. I can't keep away.’

Robert turned away from him then. ‘I know the feeling.’

And maybe… maybe Aaron finally knew what Robert went through all those years ago, when he battled between Chrissie and Aaron. When his heart was pulled one way and then the next. The problem was, they were always it for each other. Everyone else be damned.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major apologies for the wait on this update! As always, I will try to get the next chapter written and uploaded as quickly as I can. 
> 
> Thank you all so so much for the kudos and comments on this story! The encouragement means the absolute world to me!
> 
> This chapter sees a small amount of happy (more bittersweet than happy) for the boys.
> 
> Happy reading :)

‘I got your number from Adam.’ They'd sat in silence for long enough: Robert on the sofa and Aaron in the armchair, both staring at their hands. Robert hadn't offered a drink, and Aaron hadn't asked. 

Robert raised his head a little, and his eyebrow quirked in interest. ‘I didn't think you'd want anyone knowing you were meeting me. Let alone Adam.’

Aaron bit the inside of his cheek and rubbed his hands together again, a nervous habit, one from years ago, something that drove Gareth insane. ‘I, uh—’

‘He doesn't know,’ Robert sighed. He scoffed when Aaron shook his head. ‘Right. So Aaron Dingle, the advocate for truth in the face of any heartache hasn't told his husband or his best friend that he's meeting his ex?’

‘That's not fair,’ Aaron said quietly.

‘Does he think you're working late or something? Your husb—what is his name again?’

Aaron swallowed around the stone in his throat. ‘Gareth. His name is Gareth.’

‘Right.’ Robert rose from the sofa so quickly that Aaron flinched. He poured himself a glass of something bronze. ‘I’d offer, but you're driving,’ he said. ‘And you're sure as hell not staying the night.’

‘I didn't ask to.’ Aaron felt anger pulling at him, at war with the guilt and the sorrow. How fucking dare Robert? He huffed a sardonic laugh. ‘The way you talk, it's like you're innocent,’ he accused. ‘Like you haven't chased me before when you were married. Oh but yeah, I forgot, it's different because—’

‘It's different because it was _me_. And we both know that I'm short on morals. But hey, welcome to the club.’ He raised his glass in a mock cheers and knocked back the drink. He poured himself another and leaned against the wall, facing Aaron, drinking him in. Aaron felt hot under Robert's gaze.

‘You're wrong,’ Aaron said. He looked straight at Robert, challenging him to stare back; was pleased when he did, when Robert kept that connection in tact. ‘You're not short on morals.’ He shrugged. ‘Things were always different with me and you.’ He frowned. ‘Not that it excuses anything—’

‘Sounds like you're making them anyway. How quickly did the lies fall, eh? When you told _Gareth_ that you were just going shopping in Leeds? How did it feel, lying to him?’

And really, Aaron's had enough of this, these accusations when history has proven that Robert isn't much better. ‘It made me feel like shit! Is that what you want to hear?’

Robert chuckled. He put the glass back, the drink untouched. ‘Surprisingly, no. I don't want to hear that you're ruining your life for me.’

It stopped Aaron's anger in its tracks. Robert had always had a way of pushing him off track. He'd say something or do something and it would have Aaron spinning until he was dizzy, until he didn't know which way was up, until he was grabbing onto Robert because he was the only thing keeping him standing. He got up and walked to Robert, stood in front of him and worked at keeping their eyes linked. He'd always had beautiful eyes, did Robert. Aaron would spend ages looking into them, becoming hypnotised by the play of light in them; the way they changed colour, the way they lit up when Aaron smiled, the way the skin around them crinkled when Robert smiled. They were no different now, no less mesmerising, and Aaron wasn't able to resist the tug at his heart, his stomach, and lower when Robert looked at him.

‘You're not ruining my life,’ Aaron as good as whispered. ‘You've never ruined my life.’

Robert's throat moved as he swallowed hard. ‘Really?’ Disbelief coloured the upward tilt of his voice. ‘Because the way you used to hurt yourself says otherwise.’

‘That wasn't because of you,’ Aaron protested. ‘It was… things that came before you.’ Trust shattered by a monster of a father, abandonment by a mother who didn't know any better, pouring poison down his first boyfriend’s throat. ‘You didn't help matters but—’

‘Exactly.’ Robert sighed and rubbed his hand across his forehead. ‘Aaron, nothing about this is a good idea, you know that.’

‘Things have changed now. It's been twenty years! We've changed.’

‘Any version of me and you will never be good for each other.’

It was like a punch to the stomach. Or like someone had reached inside of him, put their fist around his heart and _squeezed_. Aaron tried to breathe, but couldn't quite manage it. He shook his head. ‘No. You—you don't believe that.’

Robert stared at him incredulously, as if he couldn't believe the words falling from Aaron's mouth. ‘I missed you. So much. But I—’

‘I'm right here now!’

‘Yeah, for how long? Aaron, how long until we hurt each other again? I'm fifty years old; I can't keep doing this.’ He closed his eyes, and Aaron felt immediately cut off from him. ‘Go home, Aaron. Go home to your husband.’

‘No. No, you can't just make me leave. Please don't make me leave again.’

‘I didn't make you leave the first time.’

‘This isn't fair. You can't just—’

‘No, what wasn't fair was that you didn't come find me after you'd got better. If you loved me so much, why didn't you come and find me?’

‘Because I was scared. I was so scared that you'd reject me after I broke up with you.’

‘You really don't know do you? How much I love you.’

‘Love?’

‘Damnit, Aaron! You know, after… after, I let myself believe that you'd want me once you got better. Like a fucking idiot, I waited for you. And then I heard from Paddy that you were with someone else, and I had to accept that that was it. I had to just… be okay with the fact that you didn't want me after all. That there was another man, another man keeping you warm at night, making you laugh, holding you, kissing you. So, no. I can't do that again. And what isn't fair is you asking me to try, only to take it away because it's bound to happen. Especially with someone else in your life.’

‘I'll leave Gareth for you.’

‘What?’

‘I'll leave him. For you.’

‘Don't be stupid, Aaron.’

‘I'm not—you said yourself that I can't carry on behind his back, and you're right. So I'll leave him.’ He paused, enough time to lick his lips, to watch the play of doubt unfold in Robert’s eyes. ‘If you want me to go, I'll go.’

Robert said nothing, didn't push Aaron away, but didn't pull him close either. Aaron put his hand on Robert's chest, let his fingers clench in the material, let himself remember what it was like with Robert, how it always felt so consuming, as if he and Robert were unaware of anything around them: the world could be ending, the stars falling from the sky as they all plummeted to their doom. But Robert and Aaron would only need each other.

‘I love you.’ The words fell unintended from Aaron's mouth, but he didn't take them back; couldn't regret them. How could he? Even after everything.

Robert's eyes widened.

‘I didn't stop, even after Gareth, and all these years, I—I've always loved you.’

‘Aaron.’

‘Do you love me?’

‘You know I do.’ His voice was a whisper. Aaron felt them as breaths against his lips more than as words to his ear. It was the most natural thing in the world: to tip his head up, to find Robert's eyes again, to lean against him chest to chest, to nudge their lips together. A touch, nothing more, had Aaron sighing. Another touch of their lips, a closed mouthed kiss. Aaron pulled back, opened his eyes, Robert was looking at him. This time they moved together, kissing, breathing. Aaron whimpered when Robert cupped his face, when he held Aaron close and chased after his mouth when Aaron moved back.

‘I want you,’ Aaron whispered. Robert pressed their foreheads together, moved his lips there instead and kissed Aaron's temple. His breath came shakily onto Aaron's skin. ‘Not just for tonight.’ He ran his fingers through Robert's hair, brought their eyes together again. ‘It's you, Robert. It's always been you.’

Robert kissed him again, and when Aaron tasted salt on his tongue, he couldn't tell if it was his own tears or Robert's.

****

Robert guided him to his room, to his bed, and laid Aaron gently on the sheets, as if Aaron was a blushing virgin. Robert knelt over him, just looking at him for the longest moment. Aaron swallowed. He dragged his hands up Robert's thighs, over his hips until he was holding his waist. He pulled, and Robert fell willingly into Aaron's arms. Aaron gasped. He had missed being under Robert's body, had missed being in Robert's arms. 

They kissed, lazy and in love, whether wrong or not. Robert's large hands wandered over Aaron's arms, his torso, under his shirt. ‘Are you sure?’ he asked. ‘Once we do this, Aaron—’

‘I'm sure.’ 

Aaron's hands remembered everything that his heart had tried so hard to forget. His fingers traced the muscles of Robert's back, his nails dug into his hips, his palms spread wide and welcoming down his lover’s bare thighs. His body responded to Robert's kisses and the breaths against his skin the way it always had; the way it never had with anyone else.

It was only when Robert's hands moved down Aaron's arms, to his hands and linked their fingers together that he faltered. Aaron frowned. ‘What?’ But Robert was looking at their joined hands: Aaron's left hand where the ring pressed against Robert's own bare fingers.

Robert shifted, already moving away. So Aaron did the only thing he could: he took the ring off. ‘Aaron—’

‘I'm yours,’ Aaron said. ‘Always have been.’ He put the ring on the beside cabinet and pulled Robert back down. ‘Just me and you. Okay?’

It took a moment of Robert searching Aaron's eyes, but eventually he nodded. ‘Me and you.’

Aaron didn't know how he had survived twenty years without Robert, didn't know how he had intended on surviving the rest of his life without him; without Robert filling every empty space inside him the way he always had done. They moved together, their bodies remembering this dance of old. Aaron's desperation thrummed under his skin constantly, but he was pulled back from the edge again and again by Robert, until he was almost mad with need. Then Robert enfolded him in his arms and tugged them both over the edge together. Aaron's breaths came in stuttered sobs after, and he held Robert close to him, felt Robert shaking in his arms and kissed his head, the spot where he had greyed at the temples.

‘I love you,’ he whispered into Robert's ear. ‘God, I love you.’

Robert nodded against Aaron's shoulder. ‘Love you,’ he panted. He moved, both of them hissing as their bodies separated. Robert was crying.

‘Hey.’ Aaron wiped the tears away, hands on Robert's jaw, his thumbs caressing his cheek. ‘It's okay.’

Robert gripped Aaron's hand, pressed kiss after kiss to his palm. ‘Don't make me leave again,’ he pleaded. ‘I couldn't survive it, Aaron.’

Aaron's heart broke. ‘Never. Me and you, yeah?’ He smiled when Robert nodded, when his tears abated, and when he fell back into Aaron's arms again.

****

There was the feeling of deja vu. Aaron woke to a familiar smell, a familiar touch. He turned his head, looked over his shoulder, and saw Robert plastered against his back, one arm under his pillow, the other wound around Aaron's waist. The younger man smiled. He allowed himself the moment of peace before reality kicked in. Much like it had happened years ago, with another person - Chrissie - between them.

He drifted for a while longer, jumping the fence between dozing and wakefulness, his body not quite ready to surrender the last vestiges of sleep, but also not willing to give into it entirely and miss out on the feel of Robert's arm around him, and his familiar body against his back.

Eventually, though, Robert stirred. Aaron turned in his arms. It was the first time in twenty years that he had awoken next to him, and he'd be damned if he missed out on it. His eyes fluttered first, light eyelashes against his freckle covered cheeks. The sun, soaking softly through the curtains and into the room, highlighted his freckles perfectly. 

He'd breathe in deep next, Aaron remembered—was surprised when he _could_ remember—and he'd lick his lips. They shimmered, his pink lips, catching the rays of sunlight and pocketing them. God, he was beautiful. The grey at his temple and the crows feet around his eyes only served his beauty, nothing took away from it. How could Aaron have lived without seeing this again?

Robert woke properly then. Or, at least, his eyes opened. Blue-green and at first surprised, they soon gazed upon Aaron with nothing but love. Aaron smiled. ‘Hiya,’ he whispered.

‘Morning,’ Robert responded. 

They moved together, lips brushing softly. Robert entwined their fingers and closed his eyes, but Aaron could tell that he wasn't sleeping. He could hear the thought processes in Robert's mind, and let the moment pass in silence.

‘This feels surreal,’ Robert said eventually. ‘Having you here.’ His lips quirked up just a bit. He opened his eyes. ‘Waking up with you. Thought I'd never have it again.’

‘Me too,’ Aaron admitted. It had taken him a long time to get over Robert, and for a very long time, waking up beside Gareth had been all he thought he'd ever need. But then Robert played on his mind like a song he couldn't quite shake, and Aaron knew that there was something missing in his life. He shook himself free of thoughts of Gareth. He was with Robert, and he wanted to make the moment last.

****

If waking up together was surreal, making breakfast and eating together was something out of a fantastical dream. They moved around each other the way they had always done: with ease and a rhythm that was all their own. They sat next to each other around Robert's table, arms touching from shoulder to elbow. Somehow they managed to fall back into old habits, back into each other. 

They stayed inside a bubble of their own making for the morning, until it was broken by Aaron's phone. 

‘Is that him?’ Robert asked. His head was in Aaron's lap, Aaron's hands in his hair and on his shoulders, and Aaron felt the tension as soon as the phone went off.

He cleared his throat. ‘Yeah. He's coming home soon.’ He frowned. ‘Quick visit.’

Robert sat up and turned off the movie they had only been half-watching. They hadn't talked anymore about _them_ , knowing that doing so would only shatter the fantasy they both wanted to live in for a little while longer. Now though, reality was knocking at the door; an unwelcome visitor.

‘You'd better go then.’ Robert's voice was low, rough. Aaron winced to hear it. ‘Don't want him suspecting anything.’

‘Hey.’ Aaron, by contrast, was soft; coaxing. He kissed Robert's shoulder, his neck. Small pecks stolen in their last few minutes of time. ‘I told you, didn't I? I'll tell him. About me and you.’

Robert stared at him, his eyes searching. ‘I didn't think you meant it,’ he confessed. ‘Thought it was just… heat of the moment.’

‘No. Robert, this is what I want. What we both want, I hope.’

‘You know it is. But you have a life, a husband.’

Aaron shook his head. ‘I can't keep up a lie like that. I love you. I want you; only you.’

They gravitated towards each other again, leaning in for a kiss and resting their foreheads together. ‘I'll tell him,’ Aaron said. ‘And then I'll come back to you. We can start over. Just us.’


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the kudos and comments on this story! It means so much to me. I hope you all enjoy this chapter :)

Aaron got into his car and couldn't help looking back at the window of Robert's place. He saw the man standing there, a small, sad smile on his lips. It felt like a goodbye again. Aaron shook himself. No, this wasn't goodbye. It was a brand new start, one that he shouldn't have hesitated on all those years ago. But that the years apart still led them back to each other couldn't be denied, and Aaron wouldn't let this chance pass him by.

He drove off at the same time that Robert left the window. His hands were too warm and sweaty on the steering wheel, and he flexed them, stretching his fingers out. He had driven about a mile when his phone vibrated in his pocket with a message, and Aaron slowed to a stop on the quiet, mid morning road. He almost dreaded looking at it, worried that it would be a message from Gareth. But it was Robert. 

_R: I love you. Come back to me_

Aaron smiled. Nerves sang through his body, like ringing bells. They made his stomach clench and the breath stutter in his chest. But he wanted this: he wanted him and Robert to start again. And as long as he kept that in mind; as long as he remembered that Robert was waiting for him, Aaron would get through this. 

**** 

Chas had opened the pub already when he returned home. Aaron snuck in through the back door; he felt like a teenager after a night out. Or like years ago when he'd sneak in after spending time with a recently married Robert. He made himself a cup of tea, though he nearly spilled hot water over himself with how much his hands were shaking. He looked up when the door to the pub opened.

Chas’s gaze was suspicious. ‘Where have you been?’

‘Morning, Mum. You alright?’

‘Don't play games, Aaron. You're too old for that.’ She stood in front of him, blocking his way out of the small kitchen area. ‘Where were you?’

‘Who's watching the pub?’ Aaron asked. ‘You can't just leave it alone. You know—’

‘Were you with Robert?’

Aaron said nothing. He didn't need to. Chas sighed, sounding as exhausted as she had when Aaron had been seeing Robert behind Chrissie’s back. ‘What are you doing, Aaron? What are you thinking?’ She didn't sound angry, just disappointed. Aaron felt the hot sweep of shame, and felt every inch the twenty-something year old still making dubious decisions because of Robert flamin’ Sugden. 

‘I can't stay away from him, Mum,’ he said. He shook his head, and his mind took him somewhere far away. ‘With everything that's happened between us… I can't say anymore that I don't love him. I don't WANT to have to deny it.’

‘Aaron—’

‘Mum, I'm forty-five. For one BRIEF moment in my life twenty years ago, Robert made me feel the happiest I've ever been.’

‘You're telling me Gareth doesn't do that for you?’ Her voice was low in accusation and disbelief.

‘Not the way Robert did.’ He looked down at his mug of hot water. He'd forgotten the tea bag. ‘I'm telling Gareth today that it's over,’ he said. Chas’s eyes widened. ‘I can't lie to him; not about Robert. This isn't some kind of fling or affair that's just gonna go away. I want me and Robert forever.’

‘And Robert? How does he feel about all this?’

‘He wants it as well. I know I messed up last time, but I'm a different person now. And so is he.’

She shook her head, and when she exhaled it sounded like it carried the pillars of the earth with it. ‘You know I only want you to be happy, son. That's all I've ever wanted. But Robert… I care about him, too. I know—don't look so shocked. I might not have seen or talked to him over the last twenty years, but I used to think of him once as an almost son-in-law.’ She cupped Aaron's jaw, the way she used to when he was young and so uncertain. ‘I want to see both of you happy.’

Aaron nodded. His throat closed on a lump of emotion and he had to clear it before he spoke. ‘We will be.’

****

The air in the back room of the pub felt too heavy. Aaron pulled at the collar of his t-shirt, feeling as though it was suffocating him. He had practiced a few words of what he'd say to Gareth. How do you end ten years of love and comfort? Because Aaron did love Gareth. But not in the same way that he loved Robert. They were too different; made him feel too different. Robert's love was all encompassing. It was something that swallowed Aaron whole. He loved Robert with everything he had, even when he hated him. Even after twenty years, that didn't change. They would relearn and redevelop that love, make it less shaky, build a foundation for it. They'd make it. They had to.

But how to tell Gareth all of that?

The back door opened, and Aaron got to his feet. He steadied his breath—

And then held it. There were two people at the door; two people in his house. He recognised Gareth's voice, and he knew he should recognise the other. He waited.

‘Hi, Love.’ Aaron's smile was small and fake, but Gareth didn't seem to notice. He gestured behind him. ‘Mark’s here.’ And Gareth's older brother walked in with just a nod of the head for Aaron. 

Aaron felt his plans slip through his fingers like water. If Mark was here— ‘What, um, what's happened?’

Gareth smiled, though it was as real as Aaron's. ‘I'm that transparent, am I?’ He crumbled before Aaron's eyes, and Aaron could do nothing but stare in horror before going to him. Did Gareth already know? Was Mark here to help him move his things out? ‘It's Mum. She uh, she passed yesterday.’

Everything went cold. Colour seeped from Aaron's vision. He felt like he were teetering on the edge of a cliff. ‘What?’ he gasped.

He helped his husband to the sofa, and Mark sat beside him. ‘She was ill, we should have seen it coming. But when Fran called me yesterday I thought maybe… maybe she'd make it.’ He shook his head. Aaron couldn't help but put a hand on his arm. Gareth was trembling. ‘She passed last night. I had to just get away for a bit before the funeral. I had to see you.’

Despair and guilt stabbed Aaron through the heart. Last night. When he had been with Robert. When he was sleeping with Robert, was Gareth's mother dying? He felt ill at the thought. 

‘I came with him just to make sure he's okay,’ Mark said. The first words he'd spoken to Aaron since coming into his home. ‘Family's important at a time like this.’ 

Aaron nodded. ‘Yeah, of course.’ He rubbed his husband’s back. ‘Do you need me to do anything?’

Gareth smiled at him, sadness in every wrinkle around his mouth. ‘A cup of tea wouldn't go amiss, Love.’

Aaron dragged himself to the kitchen and whilst he waited for the kettle to boil, he listened to the brothers talking on the sofa, discussing the funeral, talking about Fran—Mark’s wife—and how she would be alone whilst Mark was here.

‘Don't worry, she understands,’ Mark said. ‘Mum was—well, she'd have wanted us to stick together, yeah?’

Gareth nodded. He looked up and caught Aaron's eye. _Love you_ he mouthed. Aaron smiled. Even as the world seemed to grind to a halt. There was no way he could tell Gareth now. More bad news would push him over the edge, and Aaron wasn't cruel. But still, he couldn't bring himself to regret the night he spent with Robert. The timing—yet again—wasn't on their side. Had this happened a month ago, a year, it could have been so different.

‘Do you need a hand?’

Aaron startled at Mark’s presence at his shoulder. He blinked. The water had boiled, and he was standing there like an idiot. ‘No. Sorry, just thinking.’ He poured water into two mugs, one each for the brothers. ‘How are you?’ Mark and Aaron had never got along, and Gareth's brother had never kept that a secret. Oh, he was never nasty about Aaron, but there was always something there. Something that Aaron thought Robert must have felt around the Dingles those first few tentative months when it seemed he could get nothing right.

Mark shrugged. ‘I'm about as well as you'd expect. I'm just here for Gareth, that's all.’ Aaron looked over his brother-in-law’s shoulder, but saw only the space that Gareth had sat in. ‘He's changing his clothes,’ Mark said. ‘I've had a lot more time to get used to Mum being ill. Gareth, though… well, he knew she was ill of course, but being here with you kept him away from her.’

And there it was. The reason why Mark had always been a bit hostile towards Aaron. The younger man sighed. ‘Mark, it was Gareth's decision to stay with me. I didn't push him into anything. We've already been through this.’

Mark held his hands up. ‘I don't want a fight, Aaron. I'm just saying that—’

‘Yeah, I know. Maybe um—maybe he should stay with you and Fran for a little while.’ He felt terrible saying it, knowing that his motive wasn't his husband's best interest, but rather how he could see Robert with Gareth none the wiser. But Mark shook his head.

‘He wanted to see you, and he has his work to think about as well. But I'm going to stay with him here for a while. Just to make sure he's okay.’ He didn't ask Aaron, just assumed it would be fine to insert himself into his home, his life. But Aaron could hardly protest.

‘Okay.’ Aaron could already feel himself panicking, the prospect of not being able to see Robert seeming to weigh on his chest like a tonne of bricks. He swallowed. ‘Has the funeral been arranged yet?’

‘We’re waiting for our aunt to get here from Australia. Could take… well, anything up to two weeks.’

Aaron nodded. A fortnight then. He wasn't sure exactly what his plan was, but he knew he needed Robert in his life. That hadn't changed.

That night, Aaron listened to his husband as he cried and talked about his mother. Aaron held him, but felt the ever creeping vines of guilt wrap around his conscience. He had betrayed Gareth, and was still breaking a promise he made Robert. But Gareth needed him right now. 

****

‘How did you sleep?’ was the first thing Mark asked when Aaron and Gareth came downstairs the next morning. Gareth shrugged and muttered a few words under his breath. Whilst he put bread in the toaster, Mark directed a questioning look at Aaron, who shook his head. Gareth had tossed and turned in his sleep, and when he was awake he had been much too still. 

Aaron checked his phone. It was devoid of any messages or calls from Robert, but he shouldn't have expected any. When Robert needed to protect himself he could give Aaron a run for his money for the title of closed book. But he missed Robert. He missed him like one of his senses; like a part of him had been ripped from him. Aaron chewed on his lip and inwardly cursed himself for what he was going to do. ‘I need to do a quick run into Leeds,’ he said. Gareth and Mark both stared at him. He rubbed his hands together, surprised his nerves weren't crackling and showing like wires. ‘I won't be long. The brewery just wants a word and—’

Gareth waved him off. ‘It's okay. Go. I need to get back into some kind of routine anyway.’

He asked twice more if Gareth was sure, and then once again before he shot out the door, already opening his contacts and typing a quick message to Robert.

_A: I'm coming to yours_

****

Aaron's trembling legs carried him to Robert's door. Once again, it was ajar. Sunlight spilled through the window at the end of the corridor, and through the gap of Robert's door. The day was all too beautiful for this. He nudged the door open and heard the sound of the radio, guitars plucking and a gravelled male voice carried to him from the kitchen. For a moment, Aaron allowed himself to fantasise about what it could be like, waking up in Robert's home every day, the radio on and eating breakfast around the table whilst they talked about their day ahead. It was no different to a kind of morning he would spend with Gareth, but that it could be Robert again made Aaron's heart skip.

Robert himself… he was smiling at Aaron, soft and wanting, the way Aaron remembered. He closed the small distance between them when he closed the door behind the younger man. ‘You came back,’ he breathed in wonder. Aaron's heart broke, and Robert immediately saw it. How could he not? They were the same soul. ‘Have you come back?’ he asked.

‘I couldn't do it.’

Robert's face crumbled, and Aaron rushed to elaborate. ‘Not because of what you think. Gareth’s mum passed away. That's why he went away. He thought that she'd make it through, but—’ he cut himself off. Robert didn't need to hear all of this. He reached out and touched Robert's arm. ‘Robert, I had every intention of—’

‘Don't, Aaron.’ He pulled away from Aaron's touch. He swallowed and breathed. Aaron could see the way his eyes shone with unshed tears. Robert's voice rasped against his throat when he spoke. ‘I get it.’ He walked away, leaned his arms and his weight on the top of the sofa. Aaron followed him. ‘It was a nice thought while it lasted.’

‘It hasn't ended,’ Aaron said. ‘Robert, I still want you. I just need to find the right time to—’

Robert chuckled without mirth. ‘There won't be a _right time_ , Aaron.’ He shook his head. ‘You can't tell him. You _won't_ tell him.’

‘Rob—’

Robert whirled around, his expression had shattered; pieces of anger and sadness seeping through the cracks. ‘Just face it: this, us, was never gonna work. It didn't work the first time, why the hell did we think it would work now?’ Tears spilled from his eyes, and Robert swept them away angrily. ‘Go home to him, Aaron.’

‘No.’ Aaron pushed himself against Robert's chest. ‘I promised you. I promised MYSELF. I'm not letting you go, not again.’ Robert turned away from him, but Aaron cupped his face, forced Robert to look at him. ‘I meant what I said, Robert. I love you. I tried to bury it, but there's no way I'm doing it again.’

‘There's no right time to break someone's heart like that, Aaron. Believe me, I know.’

Aaron licked his lips. ‘Give me time,’ he pleaded. ‘I'll do it. Okay?’ He pressed a kiss to Robert's lips, desperate and begging. Robert responded, his mouth and body reacting to Aaron, his hands digging into Aaron's waist. When they parted, Aaron rested his forehead against Robert's. ‘Will you let me in again?’ 

He meant into the flat, if he came knocking over the next two weeks. But he also meant into Robert's life. He didn't need to say it. Robert nodded. ‘Always.’

**Author's Note:**

> Come have a nosy on tumblr!: [Port in a Storm](http://www.portinastorm.tumblr.com)
> 
> Title is a line from 'It will come back' by Hozier


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